History

It's like 4th standard all over again.

The Libertine

through dark and dingy lanes
i walked dazed in a dreamlike state
on a path filled with dirty desires
the air of filth stuck in my veins
is the end of you the end of dreams?
and the end of silent haunting screams?

the fire in my heart is now cold ashes
you could twist, burn, swallow the hours
but my love is not a victim of your charms
only a slave of my virtues and my sins
in a tender moment do i seek salvation?
or am i poet with a skill for deception?

bring me a point which is a start
not the end of a hollow wounded past
maybe a covert glance or a secret sign
stripped bare to the beginning of time
was the wait, hope draped in a silver line?
the moments yours and the pain mine?

Hobson's Choice

Well, I could argue that I deserve more respect than that. And that there are things I cherish that no longer make a difference to anyone's life.

But what choice do I have?

Jump

To jump or not to jump is the question.

Sometimes I feel that most of us are like the quintessential frog in the well...safe and comfortable in our cocoon and scared of the larger unknown...no matter how bad the situation is, as long as it is familiar we feel ok...but what do you do in a situation when the well becomes a tad too dirty? Do we continue there and move towards a state of absolute numbness or we somehow gather the courage to jump out? I know the answer is obvious but the path always is not...since we are blessed with 'logic', there is always a pressure to optimize any situation...book a place first and then jump out...be sure and then jump out...don't get desperate...hang in there...things fear makes us do...over and over...

Soon I'll be there on the other side...and soon I'll be...

Bonanza!

The last 4 months of any year are a treat for movie lovers. The biggest and mostly the best movies come out during this time. The trend is attributed to a variety of things - more number of holidays due to festivals, good weather, proximity to award season and even superstition! Of course this year is no different with a slew of big budget dhamkedaar movies lined up for release. Here is a list of some of them and my take on the potential that each of them holds!

Saawariya – Sanjay Leela Bhansali is a clever man and a courageous one too. This movie has been creating an unusual amount of buzz since last year - some planted and the rest inevitable. It marks the debut of two blue blooded descendants of genuine acting talent - Sonam Kapoor (Anil Kapoor's daughter) and Ranbir Kapoor (Rishi Kapoor & Neetu Singh's son). The teaser ad is out, at least in movie halls and internet. And it is simply breathtaking! Trust SLB to make every frame look poetic and awe inspiring. Even in an almost 2 minute long trailer the faces of the lead pair have not been fully revealed. And that is just mean. Plain nasty. Very smart yeah but mean! But if you are as desperate as me to check out the two debutantes, get hold of this month’s Filmfare, which has the pair and their ‘Sir’ SLB on the cover. I must give a special mention for Sonam though – she looks so pretty. Now if only she is even half as talented as her father, the girl is here to stay. And rule. A bit of trivia – the movie also stars Rani Mukherji and Salman Khan is supporting roles. And it is based on this story. This is also the first time an international production house (Sony Pictures) is producing an Indian movie. No wonder the budgets are huge. Rs. 20 crores is being spent only on the publicity of this movie! According to me Saawariya, like all SLB movies is a high risk-high gain scenario. I am expecting a decent acting standard from Sonam and Ranbir (largely due to the director). I just hope that the movie is not too self-indulgent. Otherwise, we have winner at hand.

Aaja Nachle – As the trailer declares, Madhuri Dixit is back! And supposedly with an author backed role. Not that she really needs an author or a script writer or anybody else to back her! She is Madhuri Dixit fortheloveofGod!! Probably the last genuine female star we had! Crowds went to see movies just because she was in them, irrespective of the story, the director and in some cases even the actor! Oh, the grace, the smile, the aura. Aaja Nachle is a hit. You can check out the teaser trailer here. A friend of mine recently told me that during a movie he went to see, the trailer of Aaja Nachle was screened and as soon as Madhuri turned around her famous backside to reveal that gorgeous smile the crowd went mad!! No current actress really comes close to that which is such a pity. Well, the movie is about this aging actress who meets some young actors (Konkana Sen Sharma and Kunal Kapoor) and they ‘discuss’ things like love, life and acting! - whatever that means!

P.S. Why is it that actors, with a few notable exceptions, who are just brilliant on screen (Madhuri, Rani, Hrithik etc.) such bad interviewees?

Om Shanti Om – Hmmm…it breaks my heart to admit that the first look of this movie has been rather disappointing. SRK is actually looking sick (in the unwell sense of the word). Deepika Padukone looks so much better in TV and print ads! And it takes something to make her look ordinary!! And the music? What’s the deal, Farah? I know you are making a period film of sorts and the music needs to have a 70s feel to it but to do that you recruit Vishal-Shekhar?? For the uninitiated Vishal Shekhar (Salaam Namaste, Bluffmaster, Jhankar Beats, Dus, Musafir etc.) are specialists of new age catchy- peppy songs which are so 21^st century. And they were in a rock band at one point of time – hell, Vishal even looks like a rocker!! Even Anu Malik, and it again breaks my heart to say this, would have done a better job! In one of the trailers SRK says something about the universe conspiring to help you get what you want. Isn’t that what that fool Paolo Coehlo said in that stupid Alchemist book?? But then this is exactly the kind of bull shit that our escapist mentality forces us to buy into. So maybe, it is not that stupid after all! Also, I just don’t get it. In real life Deepika is 21 and SRK is 41.75 years old. The story spans over 2 decades (1977 to 1997). SRK aging 20 years is oh well, almost ok…but are you seriously going to show Deepika age 20 years??? Or is that she has a double role…you know with the mother who dies and then her daughter grows up to look exactly like her. So basically, it’s a Lamhe meets Paolo Coehlo meets Hero Hiralal musical cum comedy cum drama cum action?! Boy, that’s a heady concoction!!

Laaga Chunari Mein Daag – The director of this movie, Pradeep Sarkar had previously made Parineeta which was a decent movie. I am sure even this won’t be a bad one. Plus its a Yashraj banner movie, has good actors, good publicity – how bad can it be? But I am not sure if it’ll really be a success. First all, it’s a story with a female protagonist and such movies traditionally don’t do well in India. And then the story itself (of a nice small town girl taking the refuge of flesh trade to support her family) has been done to death. Remember Khilona (Sanjeev Kumar, Mumtaz), Chandani Bar (Tabu) etc? And this is the kind of subject that needs to be handled with a lot of care and subtlety to be really impactful. And the grand sets and opulence of LCMD suggest just the opposite. And then there is the music. Although only one song is on air right now, it so below the musical standards that Yashraj films is known for!! I am afraid this movie might turn out to be a big waste of a good pool of talent. Sigh!

Jab We Met – Kareena and Shahid make their 4^th attempt at their on screen chemistry and success. Actually I quite sympathize with them. Just because they are an off-screen couple doesn’t mean that they have to sizzle on screen too! The pressure! But really, the whole chemistry thing is so over hyped. I think that the on screen chemistry thing is a big function of the success and failure of the movie itself. Hindsight actually makes everything look so much better. Anyhow, this particular movie at the first look seems interesting. And for a change, Shahid is looking older! Maybe it’s the specs. And the lean look. The 2 of then are looking good together. Actually I am not fond of either of them separately but I really like them as a couple and I sincerely hope that they have not broken up, as the ‘news’ channels are speculating. The first song of this movie is actually in English, which is a pleasant departure from the norm. Or maybe it’s just a marketer’s brainchild based on the research findings that show that this could be a big differentiator. With the target audience of course being the SEC A/B, 15-25 yrs, M/F urban youth. God, I love marketing. Everything is so clear cut on paper and so bloody ambiguous otherwise!! But again coming back to movie, my guess is that it would be a moderate hit and finally give some respite to the cute duo.

Bhool Bhulaiya – Oh, I just love the promo song!! It is so catchy. And so Akshay Kumar - with his trademark cool dude act! The casting is good, the entire feel of the movie is so different, good promotions. And I think after a long long time (after Hera Pheri to be precise) Priyadarshan finally seems to have made a potentially funny movie! And its very surprising considering that he churns out movies at the rate of 3 a month! I can barely update my blog at that rate. I am quite looking forward to this one though.

Jodha Akbar – Like Saawariya, this movie has already been in the news for a long time. Aur kyun na ho! The Dhoom 2 superhit (and controversial!) jodi of Hrithik and Ash. Ash’s first movie after marriage. Ashutosh Gowarikar’s next after the enthralling Lagaan and intense Swades. But it’s a period movie and frankly, I can imagine a SLB doing such a movie but Gowarikar’s expertise is understatedness and earthiness. Not that I want to undermine his talent by typecasting him. Am just saying that this should be interesting. But it’s too early to say anything as of now since we are yet to see the first look. Plus, Hrithik has not done a period film till now. Wonder how he looks. On a side note, did you know that Jodha Bai was not the name of Akbar's Rajput queen? It was, in fact, the name of Jahangir's (also known as Salim) Rajput wife and their son was Shah Jahan , of the Taj Mahal fame! Actually, the entire history was sort of twisted when Mughal-e-azam was released where Jodha Bai (played by the matronly Durga Khote) was shown as Salim’s (Dilip Kumar) mother. And popular notion has never been the same again.

So, which one are you most excited about?

I walk into the sea

Dearest D,

I write to you with such mixed emotions. On one hand I want to acknowledge your importance in my life for the last 20 years and on the other I just want to apologize for the state you are in today. I know it probably wasn’t my fault but somehow it was my responsibility to ensure that you are cared for, after Dad gave you to me.

I distinctly remember the day Dad had got you home from the showroom. Mom and I were restlessly waiting on the terrace for you to arrive in our lives, though for entirely different reasons! Arrive you did and with such aplomb! Your beautiful shiny red exterior was only a fraction of what you would come to hold inside you, in the years to come. Countless arguments, my favourite songs, apprehensions about a new place, eagerness of a new adventure, ice cold silences and a lifetime full of laughter – everything I feel and I know, is still trapped inside you.

Everyone needs a witness to their lives – to remember what you forget and to remind where you came from. You have been a witness to my life and a companion too. No matter where we went, you came with us. You have seen me from the time I would lie down straight on the rear seat and sleep (which, well, I still can!), to the time when I learnt to drive you and now, when I can understand every pulse of you. They called you small, delicate and a pushover. But nobody saw the spirit and the nerves of steel that you possess. Through thick forests, dangerous turns, dense fog, miles and miles of heated road, merciless showers and hours of non-stop travel – you strode through everything without once letting us down. If there was any surety in the world, it was you.

I had been thinking of expressing my love for you for many days. I kept telling myself that I’d do it the day you turn 20 (on 27^th Aug, to be precise). But as is human nature, it is only a tragedy that shakes you out of your stupor and hits you in the face. Maybe we deserve that too. So, today, when you have taken such a bad hit and somehow, still saved me from harm, I want to thank you for being there. I have never had a permanent home but you are the closest to that. You’ll probably recover from this but I know I can never replace Dad. And I don’t want to.

In the name of everything that is precious to us, I ask you to hang on for just a little while longer. No matter how many better cars come and go in our lives, you’ll always be me and my family’s favourite car in the world.

Love,
L.

Update 1

It's been a few months since I posted this...I think, just as a check on myself, it's time for an update!

1. Prepare my resume and eventually switch my job - Well, this is a funny story...I did manage to make my resume...and to my surprise, even got offered a new job! But after 'careful consideration' and many discussions with my very encouraging friends, decided to let it pass...so am continuing with my current job for the time being...and I am happy with that...

2. Learn basic French - This, in contrast, in a very tragic story...tried everywhere...something or the other keeps going wrong...things are just not falling into place...but no, I have not given up...starting today I am learning it on my own! I know it needs a lot of discipline and stuff...but cmon, at least I am trying!! Wish me luck.. :)

3. Join and regularly go to a gym - Joined 2 months back. Left 1 month back. Actually attended for 5 days. Not bad, eh? :D

4. Read at least 20 books - Yup, on target...

5. Get a stamp on my passport - :D :D Fingers are crossed...planning is on...this is the second time in my life that I am praying this hard for everything to end up just fine...the first time was that fateful term on campus...some of you know why...!

6. Enroll for one of these classes - dance/theater/photography - Nothing on this front...

7. Anything else - you know, surprise myself - Yeah, did try a couple of things...but things not going on track...but no issues, am still trying...something should work out sometime...

I suppose, it's not so bad...but still...have to ensure that this long list of WIP soon converts to finished tasks...

Nostalgia

Of a time when we travelled on a one way street
Between ghosts of adoloscence and a hungry greed

Of echoing laughter trapped in our hearts
And an alluring vision from a million stars

Of the days when sense was black and white
Visions that weren't blinded by a starlit night

Of the innocence shrouded in a mysterious smile
A sense of wonder and the wasted while

Of the heart which taught us how to let go
Reluctant to say yes and yet unwilling to say no

Of the moments locked in an isolated past
Like the love that left with a promise to last

Trapped

Is it me or is it the bane of our generation?

Everyday you are running from one place to the other...a million voices in your head...building expectations, living upto them...chasing dreams and people and the idea of a perfect life...in this whole mad rush, no matter how hard we try, do we really get the time to just be...?

Sometimes, late at night, when I go to my terrace for a breath of fresh air...there is this moment of absolute stillness...the streets are empty, the world is sleeping, innumerable tasks are on hold...and the feeling is just so alien...the silence is so unfamiliar...its almost like I am in the company of a stranger...and I find myself yearning for noise again...

Have we become trapped in our own dreams?

Distracted

I have such an uneasy feeling right now…I am here, there and everywhere…and I want to do everything at the same time…grab every opportunity, hold on to every thread, turn every page, try everything new…just, you know, do magic or something…!

Maybe I am trying too hard to change my life…but it seems like changing your life is harder than making it…and that so should not be the case…

I need to breathe and focus...