Urge to splurge!

These days I have an immense urge to re-learn everything...academically, that is...just go back to school and get all my fundaes right...it really is a shame that there is so much that I have read and learnt in my classes but I just can't remember most of it...and I can only blame it on my bad memory and the teaching system to a certain extent...I think it was just the habit of taking things frivolously...and propensity to believe that ends are more important than the means...but now, whatever I read or see or learn just doesn't seem enough...there is so much to know! And I am sucking it up...! I also have an objective...a little far fetched and requiring a lot of dedication and hard work but isn't that what it all about anyways?

On a side note, I have decided not to save any money...at least not at the cost of not doing what I feel like...I'll only be 25 once and I love having a good time...so eating out, shopping, traveling, buying a zillion useless gadgets, splurging on my bro are top priority...

Vanity

My dentist gave me two choices - get caps on my teeth and be prepared to never bite properly again...or get the teeth filed and continue to look like I do now...it took me precisely two minutes to decide that i'd rather enjoy full use of my teeth than look normal...

I suppose I am not a vain person...but right now, I am a very sad person...I am no beauty queen...but the only thing I thought I had was a good smile...and now even that's gone forever...and with it goes the dream of one day getting a nice photo shoot done...just for the heck of it...just to lock the best of my youth in a beautiful fleeting moment before its too late...

Am I making too much of a big deal? Probably... Has the whole experience made me a better person? I don't know... Will I ever look at myself in the mirror again and think that maybe I am pretty? No...

On second thoughts, maybe I am vain...

Crushed!

In my head, I have had a very prolific and active love life since I was like, 12 (!)...real life, of course, is a different story... :)

From being someone who had one new crush every few months to being someone who has not liked anyone in a long time, I have come a long way...maybe it's just age or maybe my imagination has got saturated or maybe hope has now been replaced by frustration! Hell, I am even warming up to the idea of an arranged marriage and those who have known me long will realize the gravity of the situation...once they are done laughing their ass off, that is...

Anyways, this post is not about the fictional aspect of my romantic pursuits...but more a "chronological documentation" of some interesting, innocent and ultimately tragic crushes that I have had over the years...

The namesake - This was almost certainly the first crush I had...I think I was in class 7th at that time...a time when kids were kids...not the brand conscious, style obsessed mini-adults that swarm the Mocha's and the Alfredo's these days...I lived in a then-obscurish town called Bathinda (to be made famous later by DDLJ and now Jab We Met) and studied in K.V. No. 1... I was leading a blissful and serene existence till one day I noticed this class 11th guy in my school...now he was no Brad Pitt...far from it actually! He was really fair and skinny and dumb and had a reputation of being, ahem, naughty..! In fact, I have no clue why I liked him except maybe because we shared the same surname...which made the whole LLHA and FLAMES exercise very entertaining! Of course I figured that I won't even have to change my name after marriage, which was rather convenient...so I thought and thought and thought about how I could create a situation where he would notice me...and came up with this genius of an idea – he was in the habit of walking around the corridor during the recess, chatting his way to glory...I too managed to convince this friend of mine to take walks around the corridor during recess (which she found very suspicious)...I started dressing with uncharacteristic care...became very conscious of the way I looked, walked and talked (everything practiced well in front my bathroom mirror, no less) and started my mission! Whenever I crossed him I would do one of the following: a) giggle (loudly) b) announce (loudly) how I am so excited about coming to the next party at the local club c) stare at him d) all of the above…needless to say, it never even evoked a glance from His highness but hey, can’t blame me for not trying!!

The silent admirer – At some level, all girls have a thing for “silent type” of a guy…he’s elusive and mysterious and that’s maddeningly charming! But there is a difference in being silent and being SILENT! Unfortunately for me, my next crush fell into the latter category…Naveen Sharma was two years my senior when I was in 10th standard…and he was very cute looking…and I am dead certain that he too had a thing for me…our classrooms were diagonally opposite to each other and if we both sat at our respective first desk (the only time in my life I voluntarily did that) we could steal covert glances at each other all the time…and that’s exactly what we did…but that also ended up being the only thing we ever did! I dropped one hint after the other, I even managed to utter a complete sentence to him once, we ensured our routes and timings matched but he just never did anything about it…there were opportunities galore as we had some common friends but I guess the times were different…it was a small town, no one in my knowledge had a relationship (!), in fact no one even spoke about these things openly and frankly, I don’t even know what I would have done had he ever actually spoken to me! And then, yet again, my dad got transferred and I never heard about him again…

The star – He was my cousin’s cousin from the other side of the family…the first recollection I have of him is when I was 6 or 7 years old and somehow I ended up at his house where my dad was to come and pick me up…I was a painfully shy kid and was feeling quite awkward with these new people…I clearly remember I went and stood at the window waiting for my car to show up…but it was he who showed up…he was sweet enough to offer me one of his comics to read…and that kept me busy for the rest of the time…I didn’t see him again for many years after that…though his academic achievements were often referred to me as a benchmark! Anyways, I saw him again at my cousin’s wedding…by this time he was a tall, lanky, polite boy studying in DCE…as in most cases, something inexplicable happened to me and I was infatuated! It seemed so perfect…we could all hang out together…he was a smart, classy guy and I wasn’t too bad either..! Aah…in 2 days my imagination took its own sweet course…till it occurred to me that it’s impossible that a guy like this would not have a girlfriend already! So I asked my sister to find out the same…I remember we youngsters were playing a game of cards and I was totally flirting with him and suddenly my sister asked him if he was seeing someone…and yes, of course he was! Cherry on top? They had been seeing each other since school and were totally committed (they went on to marry each other)…! I think it’ll suffice to say that I was totally crushed!!

The bad boy – Well, there is always one, no? This was an interesting time for me...I was on the brink of a new phase in my life which promised many possibilities…all I had to do was clear some rounds of GDs and Interviews…never been one to ace these, I had to take help from an expert! This expert happened to be a guy who conducted his classes in IIT D, which was a haven of men (quality is of course, debatable)…anyways, during the course of 2 months I became really good friends with one of the IITians in my class…nothing spectacular about him but he was fun, exciting, mean and I had never flirted like that with any guy before that!! We would spend hours on the phone and just be silly during the class…all until the day of our last interview (we were both there)…he waited till I was done with mine and we decided to go for a movie, as we realized that there are no more classes for us to meet at…everything was going great during the movie (The Last Samurai, I remember clearly :) )…he was funny, I was giggling, we were giving each other coy smiles…and the movie wasn’t bad either! And this was the moment he decided to tell me about his girlfriend and how madly in love he was with her…thank god movie theaters are dark otherwise my crestfallen face would have given away whatever little ‘mystery’ I had left!! It was just went downhill from then on…we were ‘good friends’ for a couple of months more…I even harboured the ambitions of making him fall out of love with his girlfriend and in love with me (seriously)…but all my plans went down the drain when we ended up going to different campuses…last I heard, he was single and ready to mingle…but who was interested? Ironic!?


Mr. Right – I don’t know if it is appropriate to call him that since, you know, I never got him! But really he was just perfect…a journalist, good looking, single, intelligent…the works…he was in my office and by some stroke of luck we had a common friend…actually, we were just friendly with this person…but that’s besides the point…so, after eyeing him for many days and realizing that I had wasted many years waiting for the guys to make a move…now was the time to take matters in my hand and give cupid a rest…so I confessed to our common friend that I was interested in this guy (something which I have never done in my life...confess, that is) and asked her to do something…fortunately for me she was also very excited about this development…unfortunately for me, she was plain dumb…she started off by talking about me to that guy by mentioning what a nice girl I was and how I was interesting and where I had studied…to me she seemed like a human form of shaadi.com! Again I realized that the plan was going out of my control…so after much deliberation I decided that both of us should go out drinking and invite him too and then she’ll leave midway saying that she is getting late (yeah yeah I know I have seen too many movies)…but you know what? It worked! This guy and I spent some awesome time that night…we talked about so many things…books, movies, music…he even skipped another party that night…! Man, it was just so meant to be…next morning when we crossed each other in the office, I looked up to say hello…and boing! He just looked right through me! I thought maybe he’s having a bad day…but then the bad days became a routine…he never acknowledged me after that night! Till date I have no explanation for why it could have happened…did the booze wear off? Is it because when he asked me, I couldn’t remember the lyrics to my favourite song?! Did I make it very obvious? Well, whatever it was, it was heartbreaking (sniff) and I have been completely off making any plans ever since!! :D

Pssst!

People's capacity and inclination to gossip never ceases to amaze me.

Six Bollywood Movies That Made A Difference To Me

Deewar (1975)

“Tum log mujhe dhoond rahe ho, aur main tumhara yahan inteezar kar raha hun.” With these very words, a tall, lanky, shy man with a mesmerizing baritone voice, declared the arrival of the eponymous Angry Young Man. In 1975, Deewar was everything un-Bollywood. The ‘hero’ was a decidedly grey character which was rather unusual and the drama was not just intense; it affected you in a way that was so powerful that it shook you to the very core. Though the character of Vijay (Amitabh Bachchan) seems quite unattainable, the movie per se has much that everyone can relate to at some level, even in today’s times. Best remembered for its dialogues and interplay of relationships, Deewar solidified the importance of script writers. It also reaffirmed the fact that movie making is essentially the art of telling a story well. This saga of greed, rebellion, revenge, angst, love, morals, right and wrong is like a vintage wine - the experience only gets better with time.

Trivia: The film was remade in both Tamil (as Thee) and Telugu (as Magadu), both starring regional superstars Rajnikanth and N.T. Rama Rao, respectively.

Sholay (1975)

What can be said about this movie that has not been said a zillion times before? Maybe the fact that it is, almost certainly, the only movie that 3 generations of your family has liked with equal devotion and fervour. Or the fact that Basanti, Veeru, Mausi, Jai, Thakur, Ramlal, Dhanno and hell, even Gabbar, feel more like family than a lot of your relatives. Or that it has made communicating with people so much easier and fun! The question associated with Sholay is never – have you seen it? The question always is – how many times have you seen it? Anything less than 5 is, of course, a sacrilege! This longest running movie in the history of Indian cinema redefines the word legendary. With unforgettable dialogues, brilliant acting, well-etched characters, tight story, great screenplay, good songs and a haunting background score, Sholay is a heady concoction that we can never have enough of!

Trivia: The name of the character Gabbar Singh came from a story that Salim Khan had heard from his policeman father about a real-life bandit called, yes, Gabbar!

Jaane Bhi Do Yaaroan (1983)

Sometimes all it takes to make a classic is a crazy story, bunch of theater veterans, an innovative screenplay, a first time director and loads of masti! At one level, JBDY is a simple circumstantial comedy about two dreamy youngsters (Naseeruddin Shah and Ravi Baswani) being in the wrong place at the wrong time. At another level, it is a satire on the corrupt bureaucratic system of that time. Whatever it is, it sure is one of the best comedies to ever grace the Indian screen. The pandemonium created by the characters Tarneja, Mishra, Chopra, Ahuja and gang was a laugh riot from the word go. Amongst its many famous scenes, the Mahabharta sequence is simply the most talked about and well known. Literally every dialogue in that sequence is a separate joke in itself and has since then become part of the common parlance. It’s been 25 years since its release but the magic still continues.

Trivia: Anita Kanwar dubbed for the character played by Bhakti Bharve - the editor of Khabardaar magazine.

Andaaz Apna Apna (1994)

AAA could very well be the most referred movie in college canteens, hostel lobbies, boozing sessions and campus reunions. This cinematic gem is, quite literally, a bag full of rib tickling jokes. The magic of the foolhardy, yet endearing lead duo - Amar (played with characteristic panache by Aamir Khan) and Prem (Salman Khan playing the adorable male version of a dumb blonde) – is such that no one has escaped unaffected. Some of the most memorable scenes of the movie include – Amar and his father fantasizing about a Bangles shop, Prem trying to propose to Raveena (Raveena Tandon) in between frequent jaunts to the loo, Prem laughing like a madcap outside the restaurant after discovering who the real Raveena Bajaj is, Amar explaining a game of football with the sherbet glasses, all the scenes involving crime master Gogo and of course, the climax! Ironically, this movie performed poorly at the box office but strong word of mouth has made it a classic over the years. Talk about divine cinematic justice.

Trivia: AAA reportedly took over 3 years to complete because of constant clashes between Aamir and Salman, who interestingly, are good friends now.

Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge (1995)

Romance has always been the heart and soul of Bollywood. Trends come and go but filmdom’s romance with romance has never fizzled. So, when the son of the king of romantic movies decided to debut as a director, no one was surprised that the central theme of the movie would be a love story. What actually took everyone by surprise was the freshness and treatment of the movie which would go on to become one the biggest box office hits of all time. The story of a couple who fall in love with each other inspite of themselves and then decide to win over the girl’s family instead of running away, found many many fans. With a sizzling on-screen chemistry, the lead pair of Kajol and Shah Rukh Khan made it all look effortless and spontaneous. The impact of DDLJ was such that husbands keeping a fast along with their wives on Karvachauth became quite fashionable. And why not? Afterall, bade bade deshoan mein aisi choti choti baatein hoti rehti hain!

Trivia: The movie’s title was suggested by Kiron Kher, who is a good friend of the Chopra’s.

Dil Chahta Hai (2001)

Ever since its release, the antics of Akash (Aamir Khan), Sameer (Saif Ali Khan) and Sid (Akshaye Khanna) in DCH have caught the imagination of many young hearts. Farhan Akhtar’s directorial debut broke many stereotypes and was not apologetic about being elitist, urbane and self-indulgent. In fact, it epitomized what every 20-something was and wanted to be. The movie was a celebration of youth, of what it is to be young in today’s time and how friendship really is a big deal. In an industry where screen Gods and Goddesses never age, it’s interesting how the dynamics of youth were never captured in such a heartfelt and genuine manner before. What really sets this movie apart and makes it a classic is that it is so easy to identify with. So be it Sameer’s latest heartbreak, Akash’s never-ending pranks, Sid’s depth or Shalini’s dilemma, it is all oh-so-familiar. Of course, the icing on the cake was that it is a genuinely funny movie, which in the drama heavy world of Bollywood is a rarity.

Trivia: Out of the three main roles, Saif Ali Khan was the only one who was the first choice for his role (Sameer).

Momentary Lapses of Reason

Reasoning and I have always had a tumultuous relationship...for all my talk of thinking it through and being cautious, I am still, basically, an impulsive think-from-the-heart kind of a girl...which has worked for me in the past but has also left a series of embarrassing memories that I would rather completely undo!

It's no big secret that I have very low self esteem...it's a battle that I have been fighting for a long time now...so long that I have even forgotten when it all started...was it those terrible moments of loneliness at school that I was forced to endure? Or the realization that there are some things that even the innocent pleas of a child can not change? I don't know...maybe it doesn't even matter now...all I know is that there are things that I am doing these days that's turning this self doubt to self loathing...and I just can't draw the line...the strange part is that it must be happening at some deep rooted sub-conscious level because I feel nothing...even about things that I know I should feel something about...

Where is this life taking me?

P.S. Am thinking of closing this blog and maybe start a new one...I am just not the same person who started this blog...