One

Well, it seems like this month has seen a few firsts of my life, although some that I had hoped for are still pending!

It is the first anniversary of my blog (and also probably the first time that I am holding on to a hobby)!! I know it’s not a great blog and I mostly have nothing new to say but seriously, I love it… :D

I also got the first stamp on my passport (actually technically its two). I had promised myself that I’d get one before I turned 25 and I managed it just 11 days short of the expiry date! How cool is that?

I did my first solo-backpacking trip. Even a few months back it would have seemed a bit intimidating to me, but I really learned to love my own company. And of course, the sense of freedom and confidence it gives you was totally worth all the expenses that I had to bear for it (which, btw, were a lot)!

And finally, the tragedy happened. For the first time I turned 25 (and also unfortunately, the last) and I actually feel older! Its another matter that I could still pass off as an 18 year old but from inside I am such an oldie. :(

P.S. Top 5 pictures of the trip will follow tonight.

History

It's like 4th standard all over again.

The Libertine

through dark and dingy lanes
i walked dazed in a dreamlike state
on a path filled with dirty desires
the air of filth stuck in my veins
is the end of you the end of dreams?
and the end of silent haunting screams?

the fire in my heart is now cold ashes
you could twist, burn, swallow the hours
but my love is not a victim of your charms
only a slave of my virtues and my sins
in a tender moment do i seek salvation?
or am i poet with a skill for deception?

bring me a point which is a start
not the end of a hollow wounded past
maybe a covert glance or a secret sign
stripped bare to the beginning of time
was the wait, hope draped in a silver line?
the moments yours and the pain mine?

Hobson's Choice

Well, I could argue that I deserve more respect than that. And that there are things I cherish that no longer make a difference to anyone's life.

But what choice do I have?

Jump

To jump or not to jump is the question.

Sometimes I feel that most of us are like the quintessential frog in the well...safe and comfortable in our cocoon and scared of the larger unknown...no matter how bad the situation is, as long as it is familiar we feel ok...but what do you do in a situation when the well becomes a tad too dirty? Do we continue there and move towards a state of absolute numbness or we somehow gather the courage to jump out? I know the answer is obvious but the path always is not...since we are blessed with 'logic', there is always a pressure to optimize any situation...book a place first and then jump out...be sure and then jump out...don't get desperate...hang in there...things fear makes us do...over and over...

Soon I'll be there on the other side...and soon I'll be...

Bonanza!

The last 4 months of any year are a treat for movie lovers. The biggest and mostly the best movies come out during this time. The trend is attributed to a variety of things - more number of holidays due to festivals, good weather, proximity to award season and even superstition! Of course this year is no different with a slew of big budget dhamkedaar movies lined up for release. Here is a list of some of them and my take on the potential that each of them holds!

Saawariya – Sanjay Leela Bhansali is a clever man and a courageous one too. This movie has been creating an unusual amount of buzz since last year - some planted and the rest inevitable. It marks the debut of two blue blooded descendants of genuine acting talent - Sonam Kapoor (Anil Kapoor's daughter) and Ranbir Kapoor (Rishi Kapoor & Neetu Singh's son). The teaser ad is out, at least in movie halls and internet. And it is simply breathtaking! Trust SLB to make every frame look poetic and awe inspiring. Even in an almost 2 minute long trailer the faces of the lead pair have not been fully revealed. And that is just mean. Plain nasty. Very smart yeah but mean! But if you are as desperate as me to check out the two debutantes, get hold of this month’s Filmfare, which has the pair and their ‘Sir’ SLB on the cover. I must give a special mention for Sonam though – she looks so pretty. Now if only she is even half as talented as her father, the girl is here to stay. And rule. A bit of trivia – the movie also stars Rani Mukherji and Salman Khan is supporting roles. And it is based on this story. This is also the first time an international production house (Sony Pictures) is producing an Indian movie. No wonder the budgets are huge. Rs. 20 crores is being spent only on the publicity of this movie! According to me Saawariya, like all SLB movies is a high risk-high gain scenario. I am expecting a decent acting standard from Sonam and Ranbir (largely due to the director). I just hope that the movie is not too self-indulgent. Otherwise, we have winner at hand.

Aaja Nachle – As the trailer declares, Madhuri Dixit is back! And supposedly with an author backed role. Not that she really needs an author or a script writer or anybody else to back her! She is Madhuri Dixit fortheloveofGod!! Probably the last genuine female star we had! Crowds went to see movies just because she was in them, irrespective of the story, the director and in some cases even the actor! Oh, the grace, the smile, the aura. Aaja Nachle is a hit. You can check out the teaser trailer here. A friend of mine recently told me that during a movie he went to see, the trailer of Aaja Nachle was screened and as soon as Madhuri turned around her famous backside to reveal that gorgeous smile the crowd went mad!! No current actress really comes close to that which is such a pity. Well, the movie is about this aging actress who meets some young actors (Konkana Sen Sharma and Kunal Kapoor) and they ‘discuss’ things like love, life and acting! - whatever that means!

P.S. Why is it that actors, with a few notable exceptions, who are just brilliant on screen (Madhuri, Rani, Hrithik etc.) such bad interviewees?

Om Shanti Om – Hmmm…it breaks my heart to admit that the first look of this movie has been rather disappointing. SRK is actually looking sick (in the unwell sense of the word). Deepika Padukone looks so much better in TV and print ads! And it takes something to make her look ordinary!! And the music? What’s the deal, Farah? I know you are making a period film of sorts and the music needs to have a 70s feel to it but to do that you recruit Vishal-Shekhar?? For the uninitiated Vishal Shekhar (Salaam Namaste, Bluffmaster, Jhankar Beats, Dus, Musafir etc.) are specialists of new age catchy- peppy songs which are so 21^st century. And they were in a rock band at one point of time – hell, Vishal even looks like a rocker!! Even Anu Malik, and it again breaks my heart to say this, would have done a better job! In one of the trailers SRK says something about the universe conspiring to help you get what you want. Isn’t that what that fool Paolo Coehlo said in that stupid Alchemist book?? But then this is exactly the kind of bull shit that our escapist mentality forces us to buy into. So maybe, it is not that stupid after all! Also, I just don’t get it. In real life Deepika is 21 and SRK is 41.75 years old. The story spans over 2 decades (1977 to 1997). SRK aging 20 years is oh well, almost ok…but are you seriously going to show Deepika age 20 years??? Or is that she has a double role…you know with the mother who dies and then her daughter grows up to look exactly like her. So basically, it’s a Lamhe meets Paolo Coehlo meets Hero Hiralal musical cum comedy cum drama cum action?! Boy, that’s a heady concoction!!

Laaga Chunari Mein Daag – The director of this movie, Pradeep Sarkar had previously made Parineeta which was a decent movie. I am sure even this won’t be a bad one. Plus its a Yashraj banner movie, has good actors, good publicity – how bad can it be? But I am not sure if it’ll really be a success. First all, it’s a story with a female protagonist and such movies traditionally don’t do well in India. And then the story itself (of a nice small town girl taking the refuge of flesh trade to support her family) has been done to death. Remember Khilona (Sanjeev Kumar, Mumtaz), Chandani Bar (Tabu) etc? And this is the kind of subject that needs to be handled with a lot of care and subtlety to be really impactful. And the grand sets and opulence of LCMD suggest just the opposite. And then there is the music. Although only one song is on air right now, it so below the musical standards that Yashraj films is known for!! I am afraid this movie might turn out to be a big waste of a good pool of talent. Sigh!

Jab We Met – Kareena and Shahid make their 4^th attempt at their on screen chemistry and success. Actually I quite sympathize with them. Just because they are an off-screen couple doesn’t mean that they have to sizzle on screen too! The pressure! But really, the whole chemistry thing is so over hyped. I think that the on screen chemistry thing is a big function of the success and failure of the movie itself. Hindsight actually makes everything look so much better. Anyhow, this particular movie at the first look seems interesting. And for a change, Shahid is looking older! Maybe it’s the specs. And the lean look. The 2 of then are looking good together. Actually I am not fond of either of them separately but I really like them as a couple and I sincerely hope that they have not broken up, as the ‘news’ channels are speculating. The first song of this movie is actually in English, which is a pleasant departure from the norm. Or maybe it’s just a marketer’s brainchild based on the research findings that show that this could be a big differentiator. With the target audience of course being the SEC A/B, 15-25 yrs, M/F urban youth. God, I love marketing. Everything is so clear cut on paper and so bloody ambiguous otherwise!! But again coming back to movie, my guess is that it would be a moderate hit and finally give some respite to the cute duo.

Bhool Bhulaiya – Oh, I just love the promo song!! It is so catchy. And so Akshay Kumar - with his trademark cool dude act! The casting is good, the entire feel of the movie is so different, good promotions. And I think after a long long time (after Hera Pheri to be precise) Priyadarshan finally seems to have made a potentially funny movie! And its very surprising considering that he churns out movies at the rate of 3 a month! I can barely update my blog at that rate. I am quite looking forward to this one though.

Jodha Akbar – Like Saawariya, this movie has already been in the news for a long time. Aur kyun na ho! The Dhoom 2 superhit (and controversial!) jodi of Hrithik and Ash. Ash’s first movie after marriage. Ashutosh Gowarikar’s next after the enthralling Lagaan and intense Swades. But it’s a period movie and frankly, I can imagine a SLB doing such a movie but Gowarikar’s expertise is understatedness and earthiness. Not that I want to undermine his talent by typecasting him. Am just saying that this should be interesting. But it’s too early to say anything as of now since we are yet to see the first look. Plus, Hrithik has not done a period film till now. Wonder how he looks. On a side note, did you know that Jodha Bai was not the name of Akbar's Rajput queen? It was, in fact, the name of Jahangir's (also known as Salim) Rajput wife and their son was Shah Jahan , of the Taj Mahal fame! Actually, the entire history was sort of twisted when Mughal-e-azam was released where Jodha Bai (played by the matronly Durga Khote) was shown as Salim’s (Dilip Kumar) mother. And popular notion has never been the same again.

So, which one are you most excited about?

I walk into the sea

Dearest D,

I write to you with such mixed emotions. On one hand I want to acknowledge your importance in my life for the last 20 years and on the other I just want to apologize for the state you are in today. I know it probably wasn’t my fault but somehow it was my responsibility to ensure that you are cared for, after Dad gave you to me.

I distinctly remember the day Dad had got you home from the showroom. Mom and I were restlessly waiting on the terrace for you to arrive in our lives, though for entirely different reasons! Arrive you did and with such aplomb! Your beautiful shiny red exterior was only a fraction of what you would come to hold inside you, in the years to come. Countless arguments, my favourite songs, apprehensions about a new place, eagerness of a new adventure, ice cold silences and a lifetime full of laughter – everything I feel and I know, is still trapped inside you.

Everyone needs a witness to their lives – to remember what you forget and to remind where you came from. You have been a witness to my life and a companion too. No matter where we went, you came with us. You have seen me from the time I would lie down straight on the rear seat and sleep (which, well, I still can!), to the time when I learnt to drive you and now, when I can understand every pulse of you. They called you small, delicate and a pushover. But nobody saw the spirit and the nerves of steel that you possess. Through thick forests, dangerous turns, dense fog, miles and miles of heated road, merciless showers and hours of non-stop travel – you strode through everything without once letting us down. If there was any surety in the world, it was you.

I had been thinking of expressing my love for you for many days. I kept telling myself that I’d do it the day you turn 20 (on 27^th Aug, to be precise). But as is human nature, it is only a tragedy that shakes you out of your stupor and hits you in the face. Maybe we deserve that too. So, today, when you have taken such a bad hit and somehow, still saved me from harm, I want to thank you for being there. I have never had a permanent home but you are the closest to that. You’ll probably recover from this but I know I can never replace Dad. And I don’t want to.

In the name of everything that is precious to us, I ask you to hang on for just a little while longer. No matter how many better cars come and go in our lives, you’ll always be me and my family’s favourite car in the world.

Love,
L.

Update 1

It's been a few months since I posted this...I think, just as a check on myself, it's time for an update!

1. Prepare my resume and eventually switch my job - Well, this is a funny story...I did manage to make my resume...and to my surprise, even got offered a new job! But after 'careful consideration' and many discussions with my very encouraging friends, decided to let it pass...so am continuing with my current job for the time being...and I am happy with that...

2. Learn basic French - This, in contrast, in a very tragic story...tried everywhere...something or the other keeps going wrong...things are just not falling into place...but no, I have not given up...starting today I am learning it on my own! I know it needs a lot of discipline and stuff...but cmon, at least I am trying!! Wish me luck.. :)

3. Join and regularly go to a gym - Joined 2 months back. Left 1 month back. Actually attended for 5 days. Not bad, eh? :D

4. Read at least 20 books - Yup, on target...

5. Get a stamp on my passport - :D :D Fingers are crossed...planning is on...this is the second time in my life that I am praying this hard for everything to end up just fine...the first time was that fateful term on campus...some of you know why...!

6. Enroll for one of these classes - dance/theater/photography - Nothing on this front...

7. Anything else - you know, surprise myself - Yeah, did try a couple of things...but things not going on track...but no issues, am still trying...something should work out sometime...

I suppose, it's not so bad...but still...have to ensure that this long list of WIP soon converts to finished tasks...

Nostalgia

Of a time when we travelled on a one way street
Between ghosts of adoloscence and a hungry greed

Of echoing laughter trapped in our hearts
And an alluring vision from a million stars

Of the days when sense was black and white
Visions that weren't blinded by a starlit night

Of the innocence shrouded in a mysterious smile
A sense of wonder and the wasted while

Of the heart which taught us how to let go
Reluctant to say yes and yet unwilling to say no

Of the moments locked in an isolated past
Like the love that left with a promise to last

Trapped

Is it me or is it the bane of our generation?

Everyday you are running from one place to the other...a million voices in your head...building expectations, living upto them...chasing dreams and people and the idea of a perfect life...in this whole mad rush, no matter how hard we try, do we really get the time to just be...?

Sometimes, late at night, when I go to my terrace for a breath of fresh air...there is this moment of absolute stillness...the streets are empty, the world is sleeping, innumerable tasks are on hold...and the feeling is just so alien...the silence is so unfamiliar...its almost like I am in the company of a stranger...and I find myself yearning for noise again...

Have we become trapped in our own dreams?

Distracted

I have such an uneasy feeling right now…I am here, there and everywhere…and I want to do everything at the same time…grab every opportunity, hold on to every thread, turn every page, try everything new…just, you know, do magic or something…!

Maybe I am trying too hard to change my life…but it seems like changing your life is harder than making it…and that so should not be the case…

I need to breathe and focus...

Contrast

Addiction

It's funny how perceptions differ...you might think the world of one person but he might be the symbol of absolute foolhardiness to someone else...which again, brings up a question that often baffles and teases me - do we like (or dislike) others for who they are or for how they make us feel?

Isn't it just the easiest thing to find signs of insecurity or pretension in others simply because, by default, it highlights our depth of character? Or conversely, don't we often like or keep ourselves surrounded by people who in some way or the other flatter us? I know I do...I mean, yeah, I do appreciate traits in others, especially certain values that are common with me...but would it be easy or even possible for me to feel the same if he or she exposed some weakness of mine...?

Like all 'social animals' I am an addict of praise too...maybe not in the most explicit of its forms but I am...I like to feel good about myself...in many subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) forms I am seeking it all the time...I am hungry for it...and if I can't find anyone else who sees the greatness is me, in my mind and perception I demean them because that automatically elevates me...I also realize that all this is fine except that I don't know the way out...it's a vicious circle...really, how am I supposed to not care about things or people if I so depend on them for my own perception of who I am?

So, I am trying to find a way out...not to leave right now but who knows, hopefully someday...

Showtime

Yesterday I promised myself that i'll be all cool and matter-of-factly about this...but I can't! Yes, after much begging, pleading, blackmailing, maska-maroaing and every other cheap trick in the book, I managed to get 4 passes for Harry Potter movie premier yesterday!! So, today when the movie is actually releasing, I can be and am being all smug and declaring that I have seen it...it's worth it...and I am ecstatic!!

The movie started off rather slowly...and it took a while for the much darker mood of this installment to sink in (actually, that could also be because of all my over-excitement and the drive to the theater in which I nearly smashed a few cars)...but boy, did the movie catch pace post interval! It was engrossing, pacy, visually stunning...but I really don't want to do a movie review here...am just excited and now even more eager for book 7...!

Yipppieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Transience

On my way to work I often cross paths with an old beggar...he has a fixed signal where he can be found knocking the windows of various kinds of cars...my old lady (!) too has had that privilege a few times...there is nothing new about such a scenario except that this man is a bit unusual...

The first time I noticed him was when I stopped at the signal a few months back and was rather surprised to see a bearded, frail old man sitting on the footpath reading "The Asian Age"...a few days later it was another English daily...and since then it has come to be quite the norm...

Then one day he came and knocked my window...as is our conditioning and the ideals that we have come to nurture with regards to the "business" of begging, I ignored him and asked him to move on...but I saw him looking at a sticker on my windshield...and he asked me "kya aap is club ki member hain?"...now its no ordinary club (if I take my dad's word for it!) and the fact that he knew about it and then went on to advice me on its sports facilities was really awkward...he said he was "poor people" and needed some money for his breakfast...I sheepishly took out some coins and gave it to him...and unlike most such occasions when we feel good about doing such deeds, this time I was really uneasy...

I don't know what his story is...or what he feels in his situation...he is clearly educated and still behaves with an air that reflects a prosperous past...and he is clearly alone...did he lose his entire family in some tragic accident? Did his children abandon him in his old age? Did he ever make an investment which went horribly wrong? Maybe I should stop some day and ask him...or maybe I shouldn't...

Guess it's just one of those things that remind you how transient everything really is...

Choice

I came across this piece of land
in a lonesome windy town,
In the vast wilderness of this world
somehow this feels like mine...
I could own this lost kingdom
and nurture it with my soul,
but I don't want anyone to find me
in this hollowed ruined town...
I ask you, my giver, can I mark a place
but really not leave a sign?

We flew like birds
from one crazy place to another,
You found me in this quest
only I lost my way in the middle...
If hello had been so tough
adieu was never going to be a breeze,
But I escaped and you conquered,
letting the moments of joy to freeze..
tell me, my lover, if you were given a choice
whom would you choose to find?

There used to be a life I led
I had a name,a number and sense of time,
It never occurred to me to step outside
this carefully preserved bubble of mine...
but I knew I was trapped
the day I cried foul in a game of one,
Call it sense or madness or even a crime,
but I'd packed by then to search for a town..
Tell me, my soul,if you could choose again
would you lead me to the same fate?

A Life Quite Ordinary!

If we were to go strictly by volume - most of our life seems so inconsequential...just imagine the amount of time we spend in commuting from home to office, waiting for your turn in innumerable queues, paying bills, buying utility items, being confused about which option to choose, fantasizing about unattainable crushes, waiting for a friend in Barista, switching from one inane channel to the next on TV, holding grudges...or to put it in a filmy style - yeh roz marra ki aam zindagi!

What distinguishes an extraordinary life from an ordinary one? Is that strictly a function of the amount of money you have, the number of places you have seen or the variety of 'experiences' you have had? Or is it something more? Is an extraordinary life a cause of brilliance or a consequence of it?

I suppose, I can safely presume that we are all aspirational...Maslow's hierarchy, howsoever trite, is pretty much symbolic of what we are...but one thought that never leaves me is that no matter how many achievements we have, can we escape time gone awry? How many times have you felt like making everything pause for a while, rearrange things and then start afresh? Like a childhood game that's become too chaotic...but things are rushing past so fast that forget rearranging, one doesn't even get a chance to let it all sink in!

In this mad rush how are we supposed to make more and more moments count? Of course, common sense (or maybe conditioning!) tells me that to a large extent the significance of our existence is determined by our attitude...or is it?Are people who are supposedly gutsy and have trodden the path less travelled, necessarily happy? Are people who have achieved their dreams happy? Or are eternal chasers, like me, happy?

Are you happy?

Finally!

It finally rained in Delhi today and boy, it poured!! It resulted in instant upliftment of my mood (predictably), which in turn resulted in me making this (quite unpredictably)!!

Chase

Remember me?

Don't deny it...you know I lurk somewhere under the layers of your consciousness...like a sleeping tiger...in that grey area between known and unknown...between love and hate...give me a look sometime, feel my presence...they say that against fear, acknowledgement is half the battle won...running away is a reaction and not an answer...and really, where will you go? I'll always follow because I know that you'll always have something which is not worth losing...

Don't you know?

Episodes

There is not one particular reason for the lack of posts here this month...have been really busy, my thoughts have been a little muddled, I have new things to say but nothing new to express (yeah, figure that out)...basically, its just been a little hodgepodge! Anyhow, I think I'll attempt a mini-comeback of sorts...updates over the past fortnight:

A new phase is going to begin...and yet again, I promise myself to not let things go out of hand! I am just such a scatterbrain...and experience is not really helping!

For the first time in my life (no kidding!), a friend told me that I am not really mature...I was relieved...

I am slowly realizing that at least when it comes to work, you need to be heartless sometimes...sometimes the wrong people or powerless people have to pay the price for whims and follies of others...its horrible but a 'system' would not have such a bad connotation if not for this...anyhow, I am trying not to let these things affect me...I can only ensure that honest and hard working people do not get victimized because of me...but its a dirty, filthy, lopsided world...ain't it?

My camera has not been working lately...I miss it... :(

The other day I saw a car run over a cat...two tyres went right over the spine of the cat...then it started shaking and jumping like mad...we rushed to it but we all knew it was too late...the cat took one last breath and was gone...30 seconds, that's all it took...but the worst part was that the person driving didn't even stop...he just zoomed away...and most people around me were so unruffled by the whole episode...I am no animal activist...but just wondering to what extent has this apathy and callousness seeped in us?

An old chapter closed...and unlike previous goodbyes, this time I knew he meant it...my life has been such a mess lately but deep down nothing mattered that much...I was upset and angry but there was never a sense of loss...but that day, to my surprise, I could feel something leaving me forever...I had been convinced that all my emotions had died in me...but I suppose somewhere a trace had remained and always will...I wouldn't change anything that has happened...I just hope that both of us can find our own paths and our own happiness...

Anti - Midas Touch

Caveat: It's a sad post and subsequent questions on it will not be entertained...!

Maybe...
... someday i'll look back at this day and try to feel what I felt driving back home today, just for a reality check...

Maybe...
... life is a great leveler and i'll be able to say that with certainty...

Maybe...
... the person who told me that I am losing myself will tell me soon that i've found myself again...

Maybe...
... there is a chance that everything I touch will not turn to dust...

Maybe...
... I won't regret being headstrong in my beliefs and fighting for that undefined cause that I subconsciously struggle against all the time...

Maybe...
... sanity, peace and laughter will find there way back into my life...

Maybe...
... one day i'll be able to say with pride that I am not just another brick in the wall...

Skew

Bitch.

Torn

There are always these situations around you where someone is having difficulty moving on...or when they should just give up at a sensible point and let go...in such situations isn't it always easy being an outsider? I know that there are moments of helplessness but overall, I think its good position to be in...you can be totally 'objective'...give your take on things...recount and quote similar experiences in your life for reference...basically, just be a rather insensitive, rational, willful bitch...and I have done that so many times...in fact, after 'it was so funny', 'just let go' is probably my most used phrase...and it has been used with a somewhat disdainful attitude on most occasions...

But right now, unfortunately, I am an insider...that person who knows that she should give up but is still hell bent on pursuing what is clearly a hopeless dream...and a risky one too...rationality and ego have somehow taken a back seat...my obstinate self is ruling my objective self...I am torn...and the fact that time is running out is only making it worse...everyday is a chance of happiness passing by...

Where do I find the outsider in me?

Games

When I was a little girl, my dad had a book named "games people play" in his library...I always presumed that the book was about sports...you know, like cricket and chess and all that...when I myself started reading a bit, I always ignored that book...who wants to read about sports really!? It was much later that I came to know that the "games" being talked about were very different...and much more complicated...they had the usual ingredients like moves, counter moves, strategies and even results...but it all happened in this obscure world of relationships and interplay...and the magnanimity and significance of these interplays has never hit me harder than now...

There are many people who qualify as friends...people whom you hang out with, go for movies with, party with, share some of your intimate secrets with...there are friends whom you like but never really understand...or worse, friends whom you choose not to understand because of the fear that you might end up disliking them...and there is always this trust and this understanding that neither would do anything to mess up this fragile equation...but it's always a temptation...there is a childlike curiosity to fiddle with that equation a bit and see what happens...and most of us, at some point in our lives, fall prey to that urge...

Somehow the adage that people change with time doesn't make much sense to me anymore...do we change or do we consciously and openly start playing games? There are many things in my life that are not the same any more...and if I think of it, nothing has comes as a big surprise...there is no revelation or clarity...only sadness that in some cases, the equation has been interfered with...no one has changed but the relationships have...

Clueless

Every time I get down to writing a new post, I tell myself that it'll not be my usual confused/depressed/brooding not-so-straightforward post...but it never happens...my resolve just ends up being as firm as a new year's resolution...I have tried many ways to alter this tendency (not because of anything else but the fact that it is predictable and a tad boring after a point)...I tried humour...and rudeness...being emotional...I even tried a 'random musings from my life' kinda post...but I couldn't...whatever little I wrote looked like a miserable half hearted attempt at best...so basically, right now I am in a fix...I can continue expressing the way I know (which I don't want to) or somehow find a way to reinvent myself (which I am clueless about)...!

Ideas?

Hmmm...

Tricky one...

Ambiguity

Ambiguity is a very funny thing...it teases you all the time...it is that thing that adds that extra zing to your life sometimes...and sometimes leaves the most painful residuals behind...are we supposed to revel in it and glorify it or just fight hard against it...or just give up and let it rule our life? What are we supposed to do when we are faced with options that all let us down one way or the other? All your life, you believe in something and love it passionately and cherish it...you let yourself be spoiled...and then one day...it shows its ugly face and you let go...and then you search and search for the same feeling in different places...only to never find it again...only to come back...and lose again...and you realize that you might have let go of the thing...but you never let go of the dream...and now, it will only remain that...a dream...

You Know

You know you need a change when you start loving traffic as it delays reaching home.

You know you should get a new car when you can bake a cake in the present one.

You know your life has become a joke when you don't even feel like cribbing.

You know you need new friends when the only thing you say to the present ones is - 'Can I call you back?'

You know you are a fool when you know you shouldn't but you still do.

You know you are stubborn when you know you should but you still don't.

You know you are getting old when the only colour you shop for is off-white.

You know its Monday when you are busy the entire day only making plans for the week.

You know you are bored when Sunday lunch at home is the most exciting event of the week.

You know you need to change your reference point when 2 liters of water fulfills your nutrition quota for the day.

You know you have nothing new to say when you start writing posts like this.

Ghalib

In poetry, the ghazal is a form consisting of couplets which share a rhyme and a refrain. The word means "the mortal cry of a musk deer". It is believed that very rarely a musk deer will develop a Kasturi in her stomach. The Kasturi is supposed to be a very seductive and appealingly fragrant matter. Unfortunately, to access the Kasturi, the deer has to be killed and the Kasturi extracted from its stomach. The plaintive, mournful cry that the deer makes upon being mortally wounded is what the ghazal tries to capture.

A ghazal traditionally follows some rules like:

Matla - A matla is the first couplet or sher of a ghazal.

Maqta - A maqta is the last couplet or sher of a ghazal in which the poet uses his takhallus (pen name) in various different and interesting ways.

Beher - In simple terms, it is the length of a couplet. Ideally, both the lines of a couplet and all the couplets should have the same length.

Radif - When the last word of every second line is the same, it is a radif.

Qaafiyaa - The qaafiyaa is the rhyming pattern of words that must directly precede the ghazal's radif.

Exceptions:

- Ghazal is just a form. It is independent of any language
- Some ghazals do not have any radif
- Although, every sher, should be an independent poem in itself, it is possible, that all the shers are on the same theme
- In modern Urdu poetry, there are lots of ghazals which do not follow the restriction of same beher on both the lines of sher
- The restriction of maqta is really very loose. Many many ghazals do not have any maqta

Also, the ghazal not only has a specific form, but traditionally deals with just one subject: Love. And not any kind of love, but specifically, an illicit, and unattainable love. The ghazal is always written from the point of view of the lover who is unable to attain his beloved, because either the beloved is just playing with the poet's feelings, or because the societal circumstances do not allow it. Most ghazals can be viewed in a spiritual context, with the beloved being a metaphor for God, or the poet's spiritual master.

In this context, you'll probably appreciate the following even more! Long live Mirza Ghalib...and I would also recommend the soundtrack of the Mirza Ghalib tele-series comprising the deadly combination of Naseeruddin Shah, Jagjit Singh and yes, Gulzar. :)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

har ek baat pe kehte ho tum ke 'tu kya hai' ?
tumheen kaho ke yeh andaaz-e-guftgoo(conversation,speech) kya hai ?

na shole (blaze) mein yeh karishma na barq (lightening) mein yeh ada
koi batao ki woh shokh (coquettish)-e-tundkhoo (acrimony) kya hai ?

yeh rashk(jealousy) hai ki wo hota hai ham-sukhan(to agree) tumse
wagarna khauf-e-bad-aamozi(education)-e-adoo(enemy) kya hai ?

ragoan mein daudte firne ke ham naheen qaayal(fan,fond of)
jab aankh hi se na tapka to phir lahoo kya hai ?

chipak raha hai badan par lahoo se pairaahan (clothes, robe)
hamaaree jeb ko ab haajat(necessity)-e-rafoo(stitches) kya hai ?

jalaa hai jism jahaan dil bhi jal gaya hoga
kuredate ho jo ab raakh, justjoo (desire,inquiry) kya hai ?

woh cheez jiske liye hamko ho bahisht(heaven) azeez
siwaay baada(wine)-e-gul_faam(delicate like flowers)-e-mushkaboo(like the smell of musk) kya hai ?

piyoon sharaab agar khum(wine barrel) bhee dekh loon do chaar
yeh sheesha-o-qadah(goblet)-o-kooza(wine pitcher)-o-suboo(wine pitcher) kya hai ?

rahi na taaqat-e-guftaar (conversation, speech), aur agar ho bhi
to kis ummeed pe kahiye ke aarzoo kya hai ?

huaa hai shaah ka musaahib(associate), fire hai itaraata
wagarna shehar mein ‘Ghalib’ kee aabroo kya hai ?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

aah ko chaahiye ik umr asar hone tak
kaun jiitaa hai terii zulf ke sar hone tak

daam(net/trap) har mauj mein hai halqaa(ring)-e-sad_kaam-e-nahang (crocodile with a hundred jaws)
dekhein kyaa guzare hai qatare(drop) pe gauhar(pearl) hone tak

aashiqii sabr-talab(patient) aur tamannaa betaab
dil kaa kyaa rang karuun khuun-e-jigar hone tak

ham ne maanaa ke tagaaful(ignore) na karoge lekin
khaak ho jaayenge ham tum ko khabar hone tak

partav-e-khuur(sun’s rays) se hai shabanam(dew) ko fanaa(perish) kii taaliim
main bhii huun ek inaayat(favour) kii nazar hone tak

yak(one)_nazar besh(excess) nahiin fursat-e-hastii(duration of life) gaafil(ignorant)
garmii-e-bazm(gathering) hai ik raqs(dance)-e-sharar(fire) hone tak

gam-e-hastii(sorrows of life) kaa ‘asad’(Lion,Ghalib's original pen name) kis se ho juz(other than) marg(death) ilaaj
shammaa har rang mein jalatii hai sahar hone tak

With a little help from Wikipedia.

Sense

" Love is all a matter of timing...It's no good meeting the right person too soon or too late....If I'd live in another time or place...my story might have had a very different ending."

- 2046

Turning Point?

It was really difficult to pick a few pictures from about a 100 (!) that I clicked on a recent trip to a small village in Uttarakhand...but here they are...

In a local taxi...accompanied by loud music in the form of bhajans composed (or imposed?) on Himesh Reshamiya numbers!

Travel heals, they say...if this picture is anything to go by, it's not so hard to believe that...right?

There is something about ruins and new constructions...anything complete is not half as pretty...maybe it's the sense and anticipation of possibilities?

Dawn...

Dusk...

Plastic

I think I had heard it once
that we all have dues to pay
I thought I knew too well,
but I lost myself on the way

Its a weird place...unfamiliar, strange...unreal...everything is covered with a layer of plastic it seems...or is it me who has become plastic? Why can I touch things but not feel them...? I bleed but there is no pain...I sing without making a sound...is this reality? Have I become an object in my own world...? Have I really lost myself on the way?

Semblance

One of the first drawings that we learn as a kid is that of a family and then friends...there are people...everyone is together and happy...as a kid it symbolized an idea of what warmth would be like...over the years the picture has become real, the idea has taken shape...but the warmth still eludes us...what kind of a world is it where the more people we come to know, the more lonely we get? Have we just become a symbol in each other's lives? A constant that is necessary to maintain this delicate balance? Everywhere I see things just seem to be unravelling...how much time do we have before everything falls apart?

Am I alone in feeling like this or is a vacuum swallowing all of us? Maybe we are chasing a spotlight outside to kill the darkness within...Isn't it ironic that the fear of being the only one prevents us from accepting that we are lonely...and seeking compassion...exactly how far are we willing to go to maintain this semblance of harmony?

Door

I visit the door again. Another place. Another. Bang. Same. This is it. Circle. An ellipse maybe. Breathe. The race. A new deadline. Run. Again. Fall. Again. Stop. Stop.

Blind II

I can not understand it at all...how can some people have an opinion on everything?? I mean, everything?! Isn't it mentally taxing? What kind of gratification are they seeking? Is mocking everything and everyone a pursuit for cheap thrills or a defence mechanism? What hides behind the garb of 'its an art' or 'i am superior' - A fragile ego? Self-righteousness bordering on narcissism? Maybe a different approach to make sense of things? What good is the art of observation without understanding? And since when have 'logical' deductions become equivalent to understanding?? Are there templates to define the cause of particular kinds of behaviour that I am not aware of? Is the world moving too fast and I too slow?

Just an extension of a previous post and thought...thanks to a friend for triggering it...that's a rarity these days!

Facets

The old era restarted.
The coldest glance.
Unflailing trust.
Past perfect.
The latest one.
Childhood camaraderie.
An attempt.
Forgotten emotions.
Inviolability of transperancy.
A spent thought.
Goodbye.

Seriously!

Let's call her Ritu auntie...she is in her early forties...she is a professor in a very reputed institution...an author (with a couple of books to her credit)...she also handles her family business almost single handedly...she is single with no kids...she is heavily into meditation, reiki, yoga etc...she reads, travels, socializes...she is basically a star...she is the woman who can come an hour late to a drab family party, take the mike and just turn it into a fun filled evening! She has a huge circle of friends...she can even sing and dance...does everything for her personal development and growth...which is great and really admirable...Would I like to be as rich, successful and awesome as her? Yeah, definitely!

The only problem with Ritu auntie is that, by some stroke of fate, she is a distant family friend of ours...and its anything but helpful...because since she has been through so much in life, overcome it and become this superwoman, she considers it her moral obligation to impart her wisdom on everyone she 'cares about'...and I don't know why or how, but I find myself to be amongst those fortunate many once in a blue moon...like this family party the other day...apparently she could see 'an unhappy aura' around me...and that if I go to any shrink, he/she would be able to tell in a matter seconds that I was depressed...she asked me what I did to recoup from all the stress...to which I lamely mumbled something to the effect of - err, sleeping...quite predictably that was the wrong answer! She told me to do yoga and meditation...or something equivalent...and just to ensure that the advice is acted upon, she gave the same schpiel to my father...now my father, being the simple man he is, was quite taken aback...its not everyday that he is forced to wonder whether his generally happy and normal daughter is becoming suicidal!

Anyhow, luckily we escaped her that day...but I was just left with a certain bitter feeling...does knowing someone socially give you the right to comment and advice them on how to lead their lives? If she is so good at seeing people's aura, can't she see that a person like me will not take this well? Is she really this saintly or is it just another attempt to control people around her? Is her way of leading her life the perfect way? Is greatness the only way to be?? In no way am I disputing the fact that what she noticed was wrong - it could be anything...depression, exhaustion, boredom...I don't know...maybe I am just in denial...but just like her, don't I have the right to discover my own mechanisms to fight my battles?? In a way, this blog is my recoup mechanism, but since, it is private and not announced to the world, I am labeled depressed and in need of some serious advice...

So, Ritu auntie, here's say no to your concern...I might or might not enroll for yoga classes but that's only because I think it is necessary...and not because some incorrigible know-it-all control freak asked me to...

Endless Road?

The truth is tearing up my heart
I can't recognize this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can't even find a stranger this time



Life takes you to funny places sometimes...it was a far off golf course this time...in a moving car as dawn breaks, city lights (seemingly the shape of clouds) in the distant...lovely shade of blue....

Had been dying to click sunrise for some time...attempts from my balcony were not yielding good results...got my chance today...pretty, right?

Game of the elite...hub of corporate honchos...haven for cliques...and extreme boredom for me...probably the dullest game ever!

A Mirage maybe...what do you see?

Long tiring day...I think I deserve a break...in the shade of a tree...

Blind

Ever so often one or the other friend of mine will claim that he/she is very good at seeing through people...they are either born perceptive or have been through a lot or they just know or maybe all of these...it's funny how with everyone being so perceptive, miscommunication is one of the biggest issues we face in our lives...

I have often wondered where such a claim or belief stems from? Are we inherently judgemental and then need reasons to justify our judgements? Does everything ultimately boil down to the need of feeling superior than others - a need which is probably the surest sign of dependence? Or are we all perceptive and choose friends based on the number of flaws we can ignore in them? Do we and can we really really know others as well as we think we do??

Am I perceptive? For a very long time I used to think I am...I thought that I can read people well and this quality makes me a more intelligent person...but then I realized I was not alone in thinking that...and not just a few of us, but everyone I know and more harboured this belief...which is very odd...because it either made me just like everyone else or it made me a fool...and the idea of being either was appalling to say the least...of course, it could be that everyone else was a fool and I was not but for some reason that didn't appeal to my sensible (?) side...

So I figured, the safest way to be get out of this 'am I or am I not' game was to actually get out of it...in many ways, I am done knowing people...I am done trying to understand what childhood experience made them like that or what is it that they are actually thinking behind those words or what game they are playing and things like that...of course, I do pass an occasional judgement and some things are just too obvious to not be seen but I can't live a life where there are no surprises left or no painful truths yet to appear...

Someone asked me the other day weather I liked to be understood...fact is I have stopped caring...I know there are people who see through me and those who claim they can...either ways its fine by me...all I can say is that, as a rule I understand no one...

Open Window?

The unpredictable Delhi weather...a break...my favourite window...and a smile...

Fleeting

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines

Being stationed at this beautiful "prestigious" campus today for some work left me feeling what I always try to avoid - helpless...a very unintentional deep felt helplessness...the realization and idea of lost possibilities...what could have been and what will never be...I know its pointless thinking about it...and that fleeting time is inevitable for everyone but does it really have to be so hard? I have always been fascinated with the idea of being an outsider, a silent rebel even...but today was one of those rare times when I felt like being part of the crowd, of that crowd...maybe its just the attraction of youth and abandon...a stubbornness to not grow up and feeling responsible...

There are so many things that are overrated in this world - power, friendship, praise...possibly love...but I refuse to believe that time as a concept is overrated...its there, its important and its a war you can never win...I guess you just do as much as you can whenever you can and relish it...hedge your risk of future regrets...I know I am not saying anything ground breaking or deep even...but I need to come to terms with what's gone...and I guess I need just a little more time for that...

Lunch

At this very moment, I am feeling absolutely wretched...there is no one to talk to...people just don't get tired of playing games...there is not one fucking person you can trust (except for your parents, of course)...my boss has all the time in the world but no time for me...everybody just wants to feel superior by putting others down...I have no plans for the evening - again...my life sucks...and today was supposed to be a good day!

Ok...

Phew...

Done...

P.S. Had great lunch, for free :D ! But that has been the only good thing since morning...

Star

I guess you were born to be a star,
distant, beautiful, the brightest light
travelling away to an unknown land
of mystery, magic, the darkest night
Could you slow down a bit?
Hold a wish till the end of this tide
Breathe the bright blue sky
I know it's too tough to break
This willful, angry, lonely ride
But could you share it for a while?
Teach the art of questions unasked
beneath the layers of muted scars
In search of a place to lay your dreams
Denying the world that could be ours
Do you know this restlessness has no cure?
You could be the petal in the rose
The memory of a forgotten sensation
You could be a truth in some one's lies
or the road leading to my salvation
Do you really always have to be a star?

Silver Lining?

On the way back from a junkyard (courtesy my job). The sky was lovely, the mood thoughtful and the camera for once, in my possession.

Bubble

They say that many times there is a difference between the way you see yourself and the way others see you...is this a malady that affects us all or are there people who overcome this? Why is it that the person we know the least is the person we are closest to - ourselves? Am I the only one who is living in the world of bloated self-importance? I increasingly get the feeling that I want to believe that I am important in so and so's life...and I keep looking for clues and signs...and I keep creating situations to increase that illusion...and the bubble keeps blowing till it bursts one day, leaving me feel absolutely small and insignificant...again and again...what am I doing?

Eklavya - The Royal Faux Pas

Never judge a book by its cover – and apparently it works both ways – surprise or disappointment! I’d first seen the trailer of Eklavya 4 months ago and I couldn’t wait. I mean the movie seemed to have everything – a stellar cast, a different setting, probably a story of royal heritage and intrigue, great shots! Well, I finally watched the movie yesterday and I must say, Mr. Vidhu Vinod Chopra has done everything to screw up what could have been an awesome experience.

Dear Mr. Chopra, what happened? Do you remember that you had once made a movie called Parinda? The brilliant story of two brothers and how they embark upon separate paths in life and yet can’t disentangle their lives from each other?? Now, that’s a good movie. Something that haunts people almost 20 years after its release. Please allow me to elaborate why Eklavya is not that kind of a movie.

Story – What’s the story of Eklavya? Well...????…….ummm…???!!??….see, there is this guard….???….and he believes in his dharma…and…????!!??…he is the actual father of the prince….???!??….and then…loads of people die….the end. Mr. Chopra, even a 10 year old knows that most basic ingredient of any movie is a story. A real story. That’s chapter 1, moviemaking for dummies, remember? Within the first 10 mins we come to know (if you hadn’t already guessed it) that Eklavya (Amitabh) is the real father of the royal kids and after discovering this, the King wants to get him killed. And what happens for the next 1.5 hrs is something even the characters in the movie couldn’t figure out.

Screenplay – The thing with Eklavya is that if we look at each scene separately without knowing the context, it would work…almost. The problem is that movies don’t work like that, now do they? Each scene has to logically lead to the next. So much care has been taken to create brilliant sets and camera angels. If only half of that effort had been put in developing the characters and the story - voila, we would have had a decent drama! But no, it’s the age of style and plasticity. So, the filmmakers (pioneered by the esteemed Yashraj films) insist on giving us just that. Forget depth, forget passion, forget beliefs – just make it slick, market it well, tie-up with all and sundry media channels, bully the distributors and make your share of money even before the movie releases!! Great business model, pathetic movie going experience.

Character development – Actually, if you think of it, how can you develop something that doesn’t exist in the first place. The characters discover one secret after the other, people around them die, hardships happen but nothing affects them! Just look at prince Harshwardhan (Saif) – he comes to India after years, his mother dies, he discovers who his real father is, he gets his fake father killed, he falls in love just like that – but he remains as stiff and static as a cardboard! Did his feelings just instantly change towards whom he thought was his father all these years?? Just like that? Another case in point – Rajjo (Vidya Balan) discovers her father died because of Harshwardhan’s plan and leaves him and then very conveniently, in the last scene decides to forgive him because his intentions were good! Is his father’s life more important that your father’s, Rajjo??

It seems as if everyone one in the movie is there just for the sake of it. I guess Mr. Chopra decided that he has to have everyone from his ‘camp’ in the movie (Saif, Sanjay, Jimmy, Vidya, Raima, Boman) and so, we have something where the actors need a script more than the script needs the actors! Absolutely pointless nepotism.

Acting – The thing about taking good actors is that you’ll always have a basic level of performance. But to get absolutely great performances, you need a director who knows what he doing! Why does everyone in this movie look so bored?! Amitabh Bachchan clearly sleepwalks through the movie. I mean, this is the kind of role that he does everyday. The pained, wronged, idealistic angry old man. Even the expressions are becoming trite and a tad boring. Is it really that important to add a couple of more crores to your innumerable crores, Mr. Bachchan?? Did Mr. Chopra promise you a Rolls Royce before you signed on this movie? Have you decided to do anything in which you are a protagonist? I mean, cmon, you are Amitabh Bachchan – not just any other aging star! You have got to exercise some discretion!!

Saif – I don’t know what to say to you. You are sick, so I’ll just be kind and say that after Langda Tyagi, people expect something from you. So, please get a grip and put some passion into whatever you do.

Rest of the cast – Well, I am sorry. I know that you can’t say no to Mr. Chopra, for he gave you guys a career push and that he’s somewhat of a big shot. So, my sympathies. You should have known that there are pitfalls of being part of a camp too.

In the end, a suggestion for Mr. Chopra – please just produce movies (since you are still doing a decent job there) and stop directing as you have clearly forgotten how to. Or better, just revise moviemaking for dummies.