Thursday, November 30, 2006

Vulnerability

Sometimes when you look away
I wonder what it would be like
To let the guard down for once
And put an end to this farcical strike

What would you do when you raise your eyes?
Will you laugh or will you cry?
Or will you let me know
That the wait was worth this try

Will you listen and feel without restraint
Tales of a distant past and childhood dreams
Or will you use the words to win the game
And add another victim to your endless schemes

With your worldly sense and earnest smile
I know you would ask me to take a chance
But for someone who is a cynic at heart
It might be foolish of me to trust even once

Vagabond, free, homeless soul
You are the blowing wind, flying away
Lonely, stable, nurturing shadow
I am a grounded tree, enticing travelers on the way

So here I am, standing on crossroads
Evaluating options that no longer exist
You seem to have gone back to your dwelling
The forever impenetrable sheath of mist

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Knowing Part I

Things I know I know

In spite of my desire to be so, I can't be vindictive
Money is just a means, not an end
Travel heals
I think so much and yet I don’t introspect
I am always attracted to the unattainable
We all have souls
I can't hold my own in an argument, more so if it is verbal!
Dancing is the best thing ever
I can hide well but not lie well
I hate the colour pink
We'll all die one day
Global warming is a major threat
I am sensitive, to the point of being touchy
Sometimes the stupidest people say the wisest things

Things I think I know, but I don't

No one is completely transparent
We are our own worst enemies
Life is worth it
Ghosts don’t exist
Cooking
It all comes back, someday
Astrology is all bullshit
Most women I know don't like me
No one understands
I have gray emotions for everyone
I am eternally confused
We are all born good

Things I don't know, but claim to know

Chaos theory
Why I am the way I am
We all want to be different and yet want approval
Rock music
I can't open up
I miss my grandmother
We hurt people we are closest to
People who pretend well do better than people who hide well

Things I don't know

Why we are insecure
People derive more happiness seeing others fail, than seeing themselves succeed
Computer skills (both the hardware and software kinds)
It’s all about power
French
There is life after death

Things I want to know

All of the above
Someday happiness will be legalized
Marriage is outdated
It’s possible to forgive
Life is going to change for good
I am a good sister

Things I don't want to know

Money can buy everything, including happiness
We die without finding all the answers
What infidelity feels like
In the end, we become our parents
The world is headed for doom
I can't raise happy kids
So, it was my fault!

Monday, November 27, 2006

It

it stared at me...
probing,accusing,understanding...
amused,angry,proud...
it asked me where i had started
and where i am...
and it asked me where i want to go?
it played with me, it cried with me...
it shared my heartaches,
it visualized my dreams...
it gave me time and it gave me space,
it asked me never to fail...
it asked me my reasons,
it reprimanded me for my excuses...
it shared my happiness
i blamed it for things i regret
and it got me feathers to collect
together,we searched for lost emotions
hidden agendas and flimsy reasons...
sometimes, i told it to leave me alone,
sometimes it was a reason to go on...
i love it for what it is...
i hate it for what it's not...
but its good for what its worth,
this crazy life of mine...

Friday, November 24, 2006

Regretfully Guilty

Guilt is funny emotion...it crops up at the most unexpected of times and leaves at its own sweet will, much like love...you think you have insulated yourself well because you know who you are and you know what you are doing...but if we did, why would things still surprise us? Why would our actions (which we had thought to be have been taken with sometimes rational, sometimes obligatory and sometimes whimsical beliefs) leave this extra residual called guilt too?

Someone I know is going through something similar...of all the conflicting and varied emotions D is feeling, guilt is probably the most prominent and the most painful...followed very closely by regret...I wish I could tell D that it was not entirely your fault...that life has its own course...that things would have been better, but for the immaturity and insensitivity of others...but that wouldn't help...D's at a place where everything seems so far away...you extend your hand to try and find comfort in others but no one even notices...you scream in the middle of crowded room and no one even hears a whimper...what choice do we have at that but to reach within...and within its all darkness...

Like all of us at some points in our lives, I was there at that point too...these are some of the thoughts that had crossed my mind then...and D, if there is anything I can say that might make things easier for you, it would be this…

"Is it time to let go? Of all the pain and all the love of the past...all the games, the tears, the memories, the dreams...is it time to start from the scratch? Lately, I have been feeling an acute sense of un-belongingness...is it time to stop un-belonging and just be? Just start from point zero? Talking to someone yesterday left me with a strange feeling...a feeling of being let down maybe? I don’t know...all I could feel was that maybe its time to be free and set everyone free as well...and after many many days there was this strange calm that I felt...not a very happy one but calm nonetheless...its an inevitable resignation in front of hopelessness of the situation...I guess its time to love myself now...make myself to be someone I have always wanted to be..."

This line of thought also reminds me of this quote from “The Hours” (one of my favourite movies) - "It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? "

And though it might sound like an attempt at rationalization, my guess is that that feeling is more difficult to live with...

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Lost In Translation

Strangers in a strange land...always a good theme, sometimes a good movie...but rarely a great one! The thing with great movies is that either one totally loves it or one totally hates it... 15 mins into this movie, you know whether you like it or you don't...

The pace of this movie is kind of slow... but that also is the beauty of it... its the experience, the environment created by what is going on that makes the impact... its all about how sometimes, just sometimes the turbulence going on inside you is matched by what is happening around you... both the main characters, Bob (Bill Murray) and Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson), are going through some sort of a dilemma, a conflict which on the face of it can seem just like a mid life crisis or a marriage not going too great... but they both realize or come to realize that its more than that... its about finding peace with yourself and no matter at what stage in life one is, if one doesn't have the kind of security which comes with knowing what one want it can lead to many a sleepless nights...

Both Bob and Charlotte suffer from severe jet lag from the moment they land in Tokyo and can't get any sleep... its not just physical... I guess, when you are so far away from your home and friends where the daily routine and a sort of social (mis) interaction can make you block the agitation you feel go away, the absence of that can't make you run away from your thoughts... and this is what makes these two people drift towards each other... its easier to find someone who will listen to you, but very hard to find some one who will know and understand you more by what you don't say rather than what you do...

To me, Charlotte's character was definitely the more interesting one... she talks less, thinks more, the calm on the face hiding the disappointments and the cracking dreams perfectly... she's lovely... Scarlett Johansson couldn't have done a better job...she's perfect and very believable...the scene in which she discovers that Bob has slept with some one else and when they sit in the restaurant after that, she says so much with just her eyes, her face...this incidentally is one of the best scenes in the movie according to me... how she feels cheated and hurt even though they are not involved and not even in love... I think its about how he has broken the unsaid pact, the commonality between them of not fitting in, of them being able to connect because of being drifters... and then he goes ahead and does something which any one else would have done...

Not to take anything away from Bill Murray! It is said that he is one of the few very under rated actors and somewhere got typecast into unfunny comical characters... but is he good in this movie! He's troubled, sad, happy and yes, amazingly funny!

The movie has been criticized for being racist and for giving a very stereotypical view of the Japanese...well, I agree that does come out some times... but then almost all movies have a bias against foreigners... many many Indian movies also... and in this movie I believe the surroundings were a little dramatized just to bring out the contrast between it and the intuitive relationship that the two characters develop...

A very nice movie and if you like it the first time... one to be preserved and seen again and again...oh, and have always wondered what he whispers in her ear when he says goodbye in the end... Take care? Will meet you soon? Some words of wisdom???

"Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater."
- Roman Polanski

One Tree Hill

Some of my favourite quotes from this serial...just love them!

"Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes, a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever."

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up."

"Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some would be lost along the way? When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows. Swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?"

"George Elliott once wrote, 'There is no despair so absolute as that which comes from the first moments of our first great sorrow when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and healed, to have despaired and recovered hope."

"Did you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many people have pictures of you, how many moments of other people's lives we've been in. Were we part of some one's life when their dream came true, or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it."

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid. Confused. Without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us would rather turn around and go back. But once in awhile people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief, and beyond heartache and fear of what lies ahead."

"William Shakespeare wrote, 'Love is not love which alters when it alterations finds, it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempts and is never shaken. Love alters not with time's brief hours and weeks, but bears it out."

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment who will you be? Will you let down your defenses and find solace in someone unexpected? Will you reach out? Will you face your greatest fears bravely or move forward with faith? Or will you succumb to the darkness in your soul?"

"At this moment there are six billion, five-hundred and two million, eight hundred and sixty seven thousand one hundred and twenty people in the world-give or take a few. And sometimes all you need is one. For better or for worse."

"Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “'There is no privacy that cannot be penetrated. No secret can be kept in the civilized world. Society is a masked ball where everyone hides his real character and reveals it by hiding."

"As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone."

Random Thoughts

Of course it is completely debatable whether thoughts actually are ever random...seemingly unconnected observations and occurrences might just be different manifestations of a cluttered mind...or an effort on our part to make sense...here are few of my not-so-random thoughts in the past few months...

"a jungle of myriad thoughts
a search for my soul...
i could live in this maze
i could die out alone
the fear that strangles me
a hope that exhausts...
running around in circles
for that elusive goal"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"the mechanics is baffling,
challenging the faith...
the sources people seek pleasure from,
fake superiority is all they gain...
an enemy, a slave or a misfit,
the milieu everywhere is not the place...
run,escape, fight or scream,
there goes my utopian dream"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"mind wanders, thoughts flutter
words on the tip of tongue,
like morning dew on fresh leaves
evaporate before they fall...
dreams of kaleidoscopic colours,
memories a tint of sepia
traffic of conflicting emotions,
love a pure as hope..."

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The Journey

And Hansel said to Gretel- let us drop these breadcrumbs, so that together we find our way home…because losing our way would be the cruelest of things…losing your way on a journey is unfortunate…but losing your reason for the journey is a fate crueler…they say, once you lose yourself, you have two choices - find the person you used to be or forget that person completely…because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you’ve been…and remember the person you were meant to be...the person you wanted to be…

The Way We Are

Its funny how at some level we are all narcissists...over estimating our importance in other people's lives and underestimating their importance in ours...is it a sign of insecurity or need to be loved or a basic human instinct? Lately I have been thinking a lot about how some things are just so inherent in us just by the virtue (or vice!) of being humans...greed, survival instinct, territoriality and of course, the omnipresent sex...nothing wrong with it but isn't the effort to deny all this a failure on our part? I see it all around me...denial and escapism have become a way of life for almost all of us...how difficult it is to meet a soul that is at peace? Someone who has embraced life in the simplest of forms... am I being a prude? Maybe...but I now know that life is about embracing, not rejecting...rebelliousness is a reaction not a desire...complexity has a charm, enigmatic is always more attractive...but nothing I guess can compete with pure simplicity...it beats anything hands down...maybe because its the most difficult to achieve...maybe because it is unusual and rare...

Hope

I know that I am die hard hopeful...to the point of being foolish and stupid at times...but that's ok...who knows, maybe that's the only thing that keeps me going?

I hope P still likes me...
I hope I save a decent amount today...
I hope tomorrow is better than today...
I hope food always tastes as good...
I hope my mom becomes happier...
I hope I become famous...
I hope to wander...
I hope the next message is A's...
I hope people leave me alone...
I hope not to judge others and vice versa...
I hope to laugh till my stomach aches and cry till I scream myself hoarse...
I hope to know everything about everything...
I hope the answer to everything is actually 42...
I hope to write more and more...
I hope to fall madly recklessly in love even though I am too old for it now and maybe its all in my head...
I hope I am actually as beautiful as they say I am...
I hope to fly...

Day 1

The night sets softly
With the hush of falling leaves,
Casting shivering shadows
On the houses through the trees,
And the light from a street lamp
Paints a pattern on my wall,
Like the pieces of a puzzle
Or a child's uneven scrawl.

Up a narrow flight of stairs
In a narrow little room,
As I lie upon my bed
In the early evening gloom.
Impaled on my wall
My eyes can dimly see
The pattern of my life
And the puzzle that is me.

From the moment of my birth
To the instant of my death,
There are patterns I must follow
Just as I must breathe each breath.
Like a rat in a maze
The path before me lies,
And the pattern never alters
Until the rat dies.

And the pattern still remains
On the wall where darkness fell,
And it's fitting that it should,
For in darkness I must dwell.
Like the color of my skin,
Or the day that I grow old,
My life is made of patterns
That can scarcely be controlled.

- Patterns, Simon and Garfunkel