Thursday, December 28, 2006

Then and Now

Well, this might be my last post this year...am leaving for Pondicherry tomorrow...I really don't know what its going to be like there...I don't even know 2 of the people coming with us...which is a lot, considering we are a total of 5, including me! Am really not expecting much...but yeah have heard a lot about how beautiful the place is...so, lets see...

As for the year gone by...I think a lot has changed...and a lot has not...

Dynamic

From being a student, I am now a working professional in this big bad corporate world (yes, just in case you missed it in the previous posts, I HATE corporate life! :D )...

From being with someone, to being single...

I have moved from living in a hostel, to living with a bitch, to living on my own, to living with my parents!

Some close friends left for a different city...some came back...

I used to think that deep down everyone is very nice, but I am not very sure now...intelligence and self-awareness does not always ensure a nice and clean hearted human being...

My TV viewing capacity has gone down drastically in a matter of just a few months...it is very very unfortunate actually because after years of praying, I finally have my own personal TV in my room...that too with a cable connection!!

I had started a movie review blog early this year, which I didn't continue...I hope I am able to do justice to this year-end attempt...

I used to be a sucker for memories...innumerable collection of snaps, chat logs, paper chits, smses etc...after losing both my hard disk and my phone in a span of 4 months, it hurts to make the effort again...haven't used the camera for the past 6-7 months...

and, my parents are finally treating me like a grown-up!

Static

Unlimited Internet access (I guess the non-digital world of my childhood is long gone, sadly)...

Continuous hair fall...

My yearning to own a black Labrador...

The plastic, all-style-no-substance movies churned out by Yashraj films...

A desire to travel and experience the world...

I still don't see the point of marriage...maybe its a good institution or whatever, but I wouldn't know...to me, it still seems like a dead end...

My inability to miss people...I just sometimes miss places and the environment...like sunny winter mornings on campus, like rainstorm at my grandparent's house...stuff like that...I don't know if that can be equated to missing people...

I continue to be one of those rare cases, who won't forgive but very easily forget!

So, that's that! As each year is passing, it seems like time is accelerating...once again, its time to take stock of things...and as always, I hope that 2007 brings a new chapter in life...some new experiences, some learnings, some improvement...here's wishing happy new year to everyone!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

RIP, Grandma

Some musings over the past few days (over the long relaxing weekend, actually):

Chasing a dream...

The more you chase one dream or one thought, the farther you go away from the happiness and satisfaction of achieving it...basically, everything actually is in the mind...being happy, being sad, taking control of your life, scenarios we build, lies we tell, our beliefs, every damn thing...what I am today was in my mind many years back...only difference is that I was happy then as opposed to now...why are we always living in the past or in the future? Is that normal? But then, is there any alternative? Somehow I have never understood the concept of 'living in the moment'...I mean, its sounds very good and romantic and all that...but really, how does it work? If I were to live in this very moment, what am I supposed to do? I think I can make a fair assumption that every moment or even life as such, is just a series of thoughts and emotions...so what am I supposed to think at this moment that is totally in the present?? After a point, I will just run out of thoughts to think... and you know, biologically speaking, we can't not think either...so just to occupy my brain, I need to borrow thoughts from the past or build some thoughts about the future, right? I guess what I am trying to say is this that unlike Billy Pilgrim, we are stuck in time...even worse, we are either the victim of our past or slave of our future...

Life and afterlife...

My grandmother's shraadh left me with a very bitter feeling this weekend...I don't understand why we do ceremonies that end up just being mere formalities...the already customized-to-the-new-age (read short) puja was constantly interrupted with phone calls being answered, adjusting the caterer and family jokes...I couldn't see one face in the entire group that was actually praying for the peace of grandma's soul...every one's mind was pre-occupied with their own lives...nothing wrong with it, but then why this whole sham? Is this going to give any living being peace, forget the dead? It was just another occasion where the extended family and friends come, talk about how well or how bad their kids are doing, how good the food is, how lovely the saree is...I just felt so suffocated and helpless...I just offered my prayers to her God, hoped that her soul rest in peace and left the puja...when my grandma was alive and struggling with cancer, I used to hope that she die...maybe that was the only way out from the miserable and oppressed life she had...now I hope that there is no soul and no afterlife either, for she would still be hurting...

It's all about the money...

Money can be the source of the greatest pleasures and also the greatest miseries...you find a ten rupee note on the road and that makes your day...but if you have to pay four rupees extra to the autowalah, it pinches...there are only two kinds of people in this world...those who chase it till their last breath and those who shun it and see it as a symbol of human depravity...as always, maybe the truth lies somewhere in between...my parents somehow have always belonged to the second school of thought...they haven't shunned money...but anything more than their expected middle class income has always made them uncomfortable...money, for them means shallowness and spending too much is almost a sin...there are times when they are taken undue advantage of but they just can't fight over money....because money is synonymous with pettiness...they'd rather pay extra than argue and create an ugly scene...they'd rather spend more on others, than be 'under debt' from richer relatives...it hurts me a lot sometimes, being used...but then dad tells me, its just money and everything is alright...I guess my attitude towards money is much influenced by them, how couldn't it?! I believe that money to some extent brings a certain amount insensitivity with it, mostly unintentional...I was told by someone once that I have no enthusiasm for anything, based on the fact that unlike her, I was not attending dance classes, or was not ready to go shopping anytime anywhere...it was easily overlooked that she had a car and no shortage of cash...I am not disputing the fact that I am not enthusiastic but isn't the difference in available resources in our cases a huge factor? Isn't it unfair that I am being judged in such a manner? I believe that money elevates you to levels from where a certain amount of distance seems small, but for the person who has to walk it on the ground, it just might not be worth it...

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Autumn

I had seen someone's interview once, who said that no creation is actually original...everything we create is a result of impressions we gather all our life...books we have read, stories we have heard, movies we have seen, real life...I know that what I have attempted is not original or great...just a flow of thoughts...some inspired and some imagined...
___________________________________________________________________________________

People I know sometimes ask me, what is it with me and Autumn...if I felt a need to answer them, I would have told them that its about broken leaves, the crisp air, the sense of loss...and its about her...its the way she looked at me that autumn day, years ago...even then her hazel eyes had struck me the most...the memory of which would haunt me for the rest of my life...the seven year old eyes that could share their most intimate dreams at one moment and hide their deepest fears in another...the eyes that could see through me, even at that time...of course, I didn't realize this then...I was nine and intrigued...

She came to the ground every evening where we played football...she would sit and watch other kids play..it never struck me as odd that she never played with anyone...she didn't fit, she never would...her family had just shifted to the block next to ours...they were very rich, so everyone knew them...and disliked them...they had two big cars and three servants...they wore nice clothes and went to parties...watching them was like watching a family in movies...beautiful and unreal...my parents and other older people speculated why they had shifted to a colony like ours...there were rumours abound, but no one knew the truth...I almost came to know it a few years later, but I can't say...she never confirmed it...

I don't remember the first time we spoke to each other...it doesn't matter...words were just another means...we already had been communicating for the past few weeks...but her voice was lovely and I had an excuse to look into her eyes...I found out she went to the posh-est school in town...that she loved to read and was very good in studies...and the only other hobby she had was collecting bird feathers...when I was eleven and she was nine, she had 117 feathers of different colours and sizes...gray, black, green...her dream was to one day find the blue coloured feather of a Florida scrub-jay...

I was growing up to be a rebellious teen...everyone in my family hated everyone...maybe it was genetic...my parents didn't speak to each other, my elder brother left the house as soon as he got in college, I loved to hate...her situation was only marginally better...she was an only child and a loner...but she was never restless...she would tell me that she had her books and she had me and that was just fine...so, that’s the way it was...our world of dreams and stars and silence and feathers...as we would grow older, people we knew would talk about us...make jokes, tease us...it made me angry and it was another reason to hate the world...

Almost by chance, I drifted to an engineering college, where for the next few years trouble and I would be constant companions...initially I thought it was just bad luck, getting caught...looking back, I know I was asking for it...it gave me reasons to fuel the anger inside...the first year I came back home, she told me something which didn't make much sense to me then...she said - don't run away...I guess I just smiled...it wasn't often that she showed concern...

I fell in love, the next Autumn...Surabhi was my junior in college...she was pretty and smart and fun...the 2 years we were together, life was heady...we couldn't care less about what people said about us...there were all sorts of stories about us doing the rounds...well, most of them were true...but the one of her being pregnant went a little too far...it led to one of the worst brawls that I ever got into...but Surabhi's anger was what pissed me most...I came home, during the suspension...my parents didn't say anything, which suited me just fine...but now I know that had they scolded me then and reached out, things would have turned out to be very different...

Life during that period was just mindless hours of TV and cigarettes...I was hurting and I was lonely...and she wasn't there...she was studying economics in Stephens, Delhi and staying in the hostel...I thought of calling her sometimes, but I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to break the unsaid pact of not trivializing what we had by talking on the phone or writing letters...and like always, I knew she would have agreed with Surabhi...anyhow, I didn't even have money for long distance...so that pretty much settled it...

Three weeks after my return to campus, Surabhi and I broke up...in her own words, I was dead inside...in a way, Surabhi was my last link with anything beautiful...she would go on to do her MS from US and marry a nice rich guy...and I went on to swim in the depths of human depravity...cheating, lying, womanizing, hurting others, drinking, drugs...in a way, I sold my soul to the same world that I abhorred so much...me and three others I knew started an antiques export business after college...it was good money...from my first big deal, I got my mother a sari and my father a Cartier pen...for the first time in my life, I thought I saw some emotion in their old eyes...I am not sure...

I didn't buy her anything, of course...what she wanted couldn't have been bought with money...she was Mumbai now, working...doing well as usual...in a few months, my work took my there...we met in an old coffee shop in Colaba...she said - you are late...the eyes didn't say anything...we spoke about her work, my work, her life and mine...but mostly we were quiet, like always...and it was good...she wanted to spend the entire week with me...we went for movies and plays, I took her to restaurants, we sat by the sea, we walked everywhere...I walked her to her door, on the last night of my stay...I stayed there the entire night...it was inevitable...to this day, I can feel the first touch of her lips, the warmth of her body, the life that flowed from her to me...in the morning, I gave her the gift I had got...it was a blue coloured feather of a Florida scrub-jay...she said - thank you but her eyes said, thank you for setting me free...

The news of her death reached me at my parent’s house a few months later...the suicide of a young, beautiful girl was perfect gossip fodder in that old colony of my childhood...it would take another few years for many truths to unravel...truth about incest and abuse...about existential depression...and a legacy of silence...I got a box from her mother later, who felt that I deserved to keep it...the box contained her collection of feathers...1257 in all, plus a blue one...

When I look back now, I see a pattern...Surabhi was right...I was dead...the only time I felt alive was when I looked into those hazel eyes...the eyes that said so much...the eyes gave life...the eyes that never concealed...it was me who was blind...

I am fairly old now and very rich...but we still stay in my old colony, where everyone knows us...and dislikes us...I have a wife, two kids, two cars and three servants...we wear nice clothes and go to parties...sometimes, in Autumn, I go downstairs, where kids play...deep inside I am still looking for a pair of hazel eyes, I think...in a way, her death gave me life...it saved me...her words that night, at her house come back to me everyday...when she had said to me-


I am the kindness in your heart,
the smile in your moods...

I am the hope in your prayers,
the colour in your dreams...
and no matter how far you go,
I am the life in your blood stream...

Come back...

Friday, December 15, 2006

Singular

First the facts - I am 24, average looking, more or less sweet, fun loving, single, working woman...I love to spend time with friends and dogs, have 'intellectual' discussions about things in general, brood over where life is heading, occasionally and ritually question my decisions and wonder 'who am I?'...nothing a normal 24 year old doesn't do...but out of these there are 2 things for which I particularly get surprised reactions -

"24?? You look like you are in school!!"

Yeah, I am sorry auntie!! I know this must be really embarrassing for you...its not often that you meet a five feet nothing midget who is earning! But you know what? Its my DNA that controls me, not the other way round...if your daughter looks like she is the mother of a 4 year old, even though she is actually 15, that’s not exactly my problem...now, is it!? My mother also forced me to gulp down 2 glasses of milk everyday and I did do some stretching exercises...but as you can see, it didn't work! I am tiny and I always will be...but not tiny enough to play house with your kids...really!

"Single?! Oh,cmon...its ok if you don't want to tell!"

What is like to be single at 24?? Well, its pretty normal - going to office, eating out, partying with friends, shopping, internet, TV...you know the works...except that, you come to realize that you are a minority and that people presume a thousand things about you...you are not in a gang of giggly 19 year olds, sitting in the college canteen (sorry, cafe, in my case!), discussing the desirable characteristics of our respective dream lovers...now, the situation is that the gang is pretty much just you! And what you don't realize is that the only one who finds the whole situation ok, is you!! For everyone else, the dream lovers are quite real now, or so they say...and this whole scenario is not true for men...I have many eligible male friends who are single but there are many of them...and in my own circle, I am the only woman who is not involved with any man, in any way...

I still remember my mom's warning when I was 17 and eager to go to college -"if I come to know about any hanky-panky stuff about you, I’ll call you back home"!! The fact the I was going to an institution with about 2000 more women quite escaped her...seriously, for the 3 years that I was in college I had no interaction with anything manlike except the admin staff...umm, hardly the epitome of pulchritudinous masculinity!! But its really funny when I see my mother now...she is pretty convinced that I'll start going out with one or the other of my friends and I am feeling shy about discussing it! She even keeps hinting that I should go ahead and decide on some guy!! The whole thing gets aggravated when I mention my other female friends who are in relationships...I should stop doing that!! Sometimes, I just want to go ahead and tell her that I am actually a closet lesbian...just to see her expression...and take revenge for all the years she has been trying to keep me away from men!! Hehe...

But the most bugging part of my situation is the reactions I get from strangers and acquaintances!! They just can not seem to grasp the fact that anyone like me can not have a boyfriend...I mean, guys, seriously, its flattering...thank you very much...but really, just let it be...I am normal, I do like men, I think romance is wonderful, everything is good...and everyone is not up for sale...

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Dreams, Coffee & Money

Middle of the night and it's getting so hard to breathe
You can't sleep, can't think, can't hardly dream
Do you fear what the world wants you to be?
Open your eyes and just see what the world is
Open your mind and you're free

Miscellaneous, random thoughts that cross my bored mind when there is no work to do...

Finally, winters are here...my hands are cold, its really foggy outside, its a two sweater day, a ray of sunshine seems like elixir...all winter clothes are packed…so, I am basically wearing the same stuff to office everyday…

Everyone's writing a blog these days...some are good, some not so much...wanted to start one of my own for the last 6-7 years...never had enough motivation or will to carry it forward...all my thoughts went into back pages of notebooks, paper napkins in coffee shops, ugly diaries from dad's office...but most evaporated in this mystery called time...the confinement of office and my near total disillusionment with work finally pushed me to start this blog...not so much to write in virtual space and share my thoughts...but more because I have too much time and I can pretend to be doing something which looks like work!

I spent a lifetime hoping it would come to me
Getting lost in the lies I believed
We're covered by a mask that we think is our sin
But never realize that the truth is within
Open your eyes and just see what the world is
Open your mind and you're free

I am not broadening my horizons...past 2 years were good…there were things to learn and unlearn…there were new people…there were interesting people…there were options…life’s a rut right now…each day of the week is the same as the previous one…A asked me the other day whether I am happy…I said no, because I am lonely…and I didn’t mean it in just the romantic relationshipy kind of a way (that’s anyways a personal choice)…lonely because I am so far away from my dreams…this is what happens to the quintessential dreamers like me…we love chasing…its chasing that gives a kick, not the realization of a dream…5 years back this is where I wanted to be…and I am there now, but dreams have moved forward…

Coffee tastes good, as always…its one constant in my life…and something my feelings are constant for too…exam pressure, scrabble in barista, mundane numerous hours, the first date, awkward silences, winter afternoons, arguments at Nescafe, exploration…its always been there…always…

And what are you hiding from?
Is it safe there inside your walls?
'Cause your chance is bound to come
If you're strong enough to live at all
We'll find what we need in our lives

Surrounded by the smell of numbers and targets and aggression and arrogance…gets to me every few days…especially because I am sitting next to this incorrigible showy buffoon….

Why does everything boil down to the hard practicality of money? Need a car, want to travel more, new clothes, gifts for parasitical relatives, books, bills and more bills…there is so much to do, and not enough…never enough money…always a trade off…seriously, money, it’s a crime…

There's more in this world than we see
Just leave these illusions behind and run with me
if all of the things that you thought you would be
Pass you by
We'll find what we need in our lives
We'll find what we need in our lives

Monday, December 11, 2006

The English Patient

On the face of it 'The English Patient' has all the ingredients of being a regular Hollywood epic - a doomed love story in the backdrop of war, mysterious characters, grandeur etc etc. But that's just on the face of it! The best thing about this movie is that every time one sees it, the interpretation of the story and the characters can take a whole new meaning all together...just like a desert everything in the story is layered and unravelling the beauty of it is not just challenging but also leaves one with an unforgettable cinematic experience...

The focus and backbone of the story are its main characters - Almasy, Hana, Caravaggio, Kip, Katherine and yes, the desert...no other movie in my recollection has shot the desert so beautifully...it speaks its own language, has its own moods and there are times in the movie when the story of Almasy and Katherine seems to be the backdrop! Though the title character of the English patient is definitely one of the most intriguing and attractive to have come on screen but its the other characters that make the movie what it is...the lost innocence of Hana,the scars she carries...the strength and loneliness of Kip...the anger of Caravaggio...the restless and passionate spirit of Katherine...incidentally, I once came across this analysis of these characters from the point of view of psychology and its a very interesting read, even if one doesn't like the book/movie!

Surprisingly, there is marked difference between the book and the movie...of course, the theme and the incidents have been liberally adapted from the book but many things like the sequence of events, the dialogues, certain subplots have been modified...and for once the movie comes out to be better than the book (maybe its because I saw and loved the movie before I read the book!)...some of the major changes are - Katherine is much younger than Almasy, Hana and Caravaggio have known each other for a long time, Kip's character has been much more explored and delved into in the book and many scenes in the movie never take place in the book! I guess, Hollywood has to succumb to the 'pressure' of making a successful movie...hence, after watching the movie what remains behind in one's mind and heart is only the tragic love story...which is both good and bad...good because it indeed has been shot and written exquisitely and bad because the other equally powerful storylines get sidelined...

One of the best things about the movie is the way many scenes and plots have been conceived, conceptualized and executed...the scene in which Almasy asks Clifton whether its a good idea to leave his wife in the desert and then he turns back to see Katherine looking at him from a distance...even though their faces are not shown in this scene but it still says so much...as does the movement of Katherine's hand on the window of the jeep she and Almasy are trapped in during the sandstorm...Almasy's hatred for ownership and how inevitably he himself becomes a victim of it...the bond between Kip and Hana which is just so pure...the poetry, the background score, the aesthetically picturised love making scenes (which are one of the most passionate ones I have ever seen!) and the feeling of helplessness with which everyone becomes a cause and a victim of their own world falling apart...

One can't write about this movie and not mention the actors! Not one of them lets the viewers down! No one could have played the introspective, detached and lonely role of Almasy better than Ralph Fiennes and it doesn't hurt that he is so sexy! Kristen Scott Thomas looks a tad old for her role but totally makes up for it by her acting...as do Juliette Binoche, Naveen Andrews and Willem Dafoe! Just one complaint - I definitely want to see the talented Colin Firth in a happier role once!

"The essence of cinema is editing. It's the combination of what can be extraordinary images of people during emotional moments, or images in a general sense, put together in a kind of alchemy."

-Francis Ford Coppola

Blah Blah Blah!

A snapshot of me in an argument...

X: Why would you do something like that? It was so blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah...!
Me: Umm, I don't know...
X: What do you mean you don't know? We all blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Me: So?
X: So this that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...it could have blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Me: Yeah, maybe...
X: I don't agree with the fact that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Me: Ok...
X: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Me: Ok...
X: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Me: Fine...i'll see...
X: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Me: Ok...yeah...can we please change the topic?!
X: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

You get the picture?!!

Basically, I hate arguments...and I don't know whether the fact that I am bad at arguing is a cause or an effect of that...I would like to believe that I am peace loving, but I know that's only part of the truth...I am just never sure and some times if I am sure, I'd rather give the impression that I am not...

Anyhow...in most situations, its not as if I have nothing to say...but when I am put in a situation like this, I just develop a severe case of verbal handicap! Sometimes I know things cross the line and others are a little too harsh on me but still isn't one agitated person better than better than two?! Someone has to end it, rt...It could be the case that maybe I like being misunderstood...maybe I believe in waiting for a better opportunity to present my case...maybe I still haven't gotten over my fear of speaking my thoughts aloud...ever since I can remember I have cringed at seeing others argue...I don't understand people's needs to present their point of view...theoretically, an argument is a debate, a process of reasoning, a persuasive discourse...but don't they realize that they'll always be prejudiced and that in the end the only objective of arguing is to prove how right they are and how wrong the other person is??

The question now arises, what is a more agreeable alternative to arguing? Well, i'd say a little patience and time off...a lot of unnecessary issues get resolved just by the virtue of silence...in other cases, a bit of logic and in most severe disagreements, well...I really don't know...for I am too busy hiding under the garb of "I don't knows" and "okays..."!

Thursday, December 7, 2006

Someone

Sometimes in life you come across some unexpected things that leave an ever lasting impression...it could be the playfulness of an extremely hyperactive child, 3 different hues in the sky, the piercing all knowing eyes of a stranger, a flock of birds conferencing or a song seemingly written with you in mind...

Four or maybe five years ago I had discovered blogging...or rather chanced upon a group of very interesting blogs...most of them I have forgotten, some I remember...but only one left an impact on me...it was an assortment of self written poems about love and loss...and they are some of the most beautiful pieces that I have come across till date...not because of their style or depth or poetic talent but because of the feeling with which they were written...the feelings of the writer are almost palpable...the blog was later deleted as I could never trace it again...I don't even know the gender of the writer, for he or she was called "someone" (yes, I blatantly copied that :) )...actually, if I think of it, it doesn't even matter...

Luckily, I had taken the print outs of some of those poems...I dug them out from my files and have retyped them...I have even tried to keep each comma and dot intact...I probably have no right to publish someone else's work, that too a personal and intimate one...but I am torn...I know I could have taken the credit for these and no one would find out...but I would know...so, I'll just take credit for the fact that I have it me to appreciate emotions like these...and I hope that someday I can feel love as fervent as this...

I’ve crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I have dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death
_______________________________________________________

“i could write a song for your lips,
or a fleeting poem for your heart
a few honest words, some awkward thoughts…
and only hope that you’ll have a clue…
i have little rhyme, but all the reason
and I will try not to burden you…
i’ll just write it down for you to memorize,
i don’t feel like giving my thoughts away…
it would be nice if you could hum in the night,
and sing it till the memory stays…”
_______________________________________________________

“it turns out that all those nights…
i was watching the same old stars shine…
and the lines I traced over them…
had no way of etching themselves in the sky…

the words that I scrawled all over
they’ll just dry out and fade away…
and I was only hoping that my song…
would do justice to your voice…

my inspiration was my treasure…
don’t know how long I could keep you in sight…
i can live with my silence, like before…
but do you really need to keep so quiet…?

felt a little lonely and tired…
so here I am, down on my knees…
i close my eyes, and catch my breath…
and hear my world fall all around me…”
_______________________________________________________

“sometimes when I close my eyes, and stay awake
not an insomniac, not yet in quietus…
amidst a few memories and moments that flood me,
stolen, dwelt, candid and precious
those petite thoughts and star gazing
a starlit roof and the world underneath...
past perfect, and future tense…
the present always seemed to inconsequential..
your dulcet voice rings clear, still vivid...
and I fell in love, that day…

then as if it was all over…
as if the stars never lit the sky..
unsaid, unasked, unanswered, yet undone…
words always felt miserably inadequate…
I knew I should not feel sorry…
I never had a chance anyways…
what I had with me, was my dappled sunshine
and all my pain, unrequited yet mine
I just held it all together,
and I thought I’d never love again

today as I stand before yesterday’s ghost…
and I read your voice from my very eyes…
I treasure every single word you write…
and find solace in the mere acceptance of my existence
for I am happy with the wisdom and the innocence,
of someone who knows nothing at all…
flowers or stars don’t matter anymore…
it doesn’t matter if you go away…
and I am all alone again…
I am still very much in love with that day”

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Ghosts

I guess once you are in a corporate world it doesn’t take long to realize what a dog eat dog world it is...in a way an MBA prepares you for it but the magnanimity and the real dirt of it only hits you once you are there...and it hits hard...in many ways I am impervious to what other people do and how they do it but trying to make me a part of it, for whatever reasons, is something I can't take...its too early to even know whether its making me or breaking me...

Out here there are 3 kinds of people...first, the ones who will portray they work very hard but they don't do anything...second, the ones who'll work very hard and show that they are very chill and nonchalant about work...and the last who just work, period...obviously, the second group is the most dangerous...they are driven, power hungry, insecure and most likely to trample you to go ahead...and it seems to me that I am surrounded by such people...another important trait that they have is a gift of doing sweet talk...which for me is a perfect symbol of superficiality...fake and hollow...and I have not even started to talk about their art of networking! Where do people like me fit in, in this scenario? I guess I am the fourth kind - people just looking to run away...

One of my bursts against this alternative 'system' induced the following expression...

"where are
the moods that made a day
the dreams that walked a mile
the rain that drenched the soul
the coffee that brought a smile

why are
the boundaries so far away
the rules so tough to break
the answers so cryptic
the innocent lies at stake

what are
the reasons for this mad race
the fears that we try to hide
the places that we need to find
the hopes that we leave by the side

who are the ghosts that crowd the place?"

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Black & White

Dear F, Oscar Wilde also said two more things...

"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing." (You know the context)

"The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible." (This is a pre-emptive action for the post below, since this is another one of the self-centered posts)

I have always considered myself to be a person of extremes...not the I-indulge-in-crazy-things kind of a person...but someone for whom most (please notice, not all!) things are either this way or that way...so, I either like someone or I don't...I might be indifferent to most people but there is no one I like or dislike somewhat...to me, either one can be totally motivated or totally de-motivated, how can it be any different? Any piece I write is either good or bad, but its never just ok...my efforts are either present or absent, there are never any half hearted attempts...or to simplify it further...its either black or white, I don't believe in grays...

I repeat, I don't believe in grays...according to me they just complicate life further...

Now, the issue here is that a lot people around me don't seem to get that...to give them their credit, they don't agree with this way of leading one's life...according to them we gradually need to change the 'blacks' of our personalities/lives to 'whites'...which is ok but even after struggling with this issue for many years I still can't see any merit in changing my outlook...assuming of course, that I can actually do something about it...and moreover, why does the journey from black to white need to go through so many other shades? Why am I being convinced that any change is a continuous function...when to me, it has always seemed to be a discrete one!

They seem to see things that I am not enthusiastic about - like socializing,learning something new, work,even shopping! But like the quintessential other side of the coin, they conveniently ignore things that I am really enthusiastic about...like driving, music, drinking & dancing, eating, writing (in my own little capacity)...I know I usually waste my time in office, but there are periods when I have put in 15 hrs a day as well...but basically if one is excited about what can be easily seen and shared, you pass the test...otherwise, like me one is easily shoved to the dark corners of apparent disposition of apathy!!

Of course, their point of view is not completely meritless either...one of the best examples that has been thrown on my face is the mismatch between how I am doing things as opposed to what I want from life...the means are somehow not justifying the ends...and if I want what I want then I need to create some level of liking for the means I have chosen...or find some other means that I really do like...I really have no counter arguement for this, yet...except that I am trying to change the means...but with how much enthusiam,that is,really,a personal call...

But in the end, my only non-humble submission is that - keep the colours to yourself and let me revel in the glory of colourlessness...I might not go too far with it, but I know it is the only way to be for me and in its own way, it makes life worth living...

Alone - Edgar Allan Poe

Its not a favourite exactly, but I like the way some of the words flow in this poem...enjoy...

"From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone
Then - in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life - was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view"

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Vulnerability

Sometimes when you look away
I wonder what it would be like
To let the guard down for once
And put an end to this farcical strike

What would you do when you raise your eyes?
Will you laugh or will you cry?
Or will you let me know
That the wait was worth this try

Will you listen and feel without restraint
Tales of a distant past and childhood dreams
Or will you use the words to win the game
And add another victim to your endless schemes

With your worldly sense and earnest smile
I know you would ask me to take a chance
But for someone who is a cynic at heart
It might be foolish of me to trust even once

Vagabond, free, homeless soul
You are the blowing wind, flying away
Lonely, stable, nurturing shadow
I am a grounded tree, enticing travelers on the way

So here I am, standing on crossroads
Evaluating options that no longer exist
You seem to have gone back to your dwelling
The forever impenetrable sheath of mist

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Knowing Part I

Things I know I know

In spite of my desire to be so, I can't be vindictive
Money is just a means, not an end
Travel heals
I think so much and yet I don’t introspect
I am always attracted to the unattainable
We all have souls
I can't hold my own in an argument, more so if it is verbal!
Dancing is the best thing ever
I can hide well but not lie well
I hate the colour pink
We'll all die one day
Global warming is a major threat
I am sensitive, to the point of being touchy
Sometimes the stupidest people say the wisest things

Things I think I know, but I don't

No one is completely transparent
We are our own worst enemies
Life is worth it
Ghosts don’t exist
Cooking
It all comes back, someday
Astrology is all bullshit
Most women I know don't like me
No one understands
I have gray emotions for everyone
I am eternally confused
We are all born good

Things I don't know, but claim to know

Chaos theory
Why I am the way I am
We all want to be different and yet want approval
Rock music
I can't open up
I miss my grandmother
We hurt people we are closest to
People who pretend well do better than people who hide well

Things I don't know

Why we are insecure
People derive more happiness seeing others fail, than seeing themselves succeed
Computer skills (both the hardware and software kinds)
It’s all about power
French
There is life after death

Things I want to know

All of the above
Someday happiness will be legalized
Marriage is outdated
It’s possible to forgive
Life is going to change for good
I am a good sister

Things I don't want to know

Money can buy everything, including happiness
We die without finding all the answers
What infidelity feels like
In the end, we become our parents
The world is headed for doom
I can't raise happy kids
So, it was my fault!

Monday, November 27, 2006

It

it stared at me...
probing,accusing,understanding...
amused,angry,proud...
it asked me where i had started
and where i am...
and it asked me where i want to go?
it played with me, it cried with me...
it shared my heartaches,
it visualized my dreams...
it gave me time and it gave me space,
it asked me never to fail...
it asked me my reasons,
it reprimanded me for my excuses...
it shared my happiness
i blamed it for things i regret
and it got me feathers to collect
together,we searched for lost emotions
hidden agendas and flimsy reasons...
sometimes, i told it to leave me alone,
sometimes it was a reason to go on...
i love it for what it is...
i hate it for what it's not...
but its good for what its worth,
this crazy life of mine...

Friday, November 24, 2006

Regretfully Guilty

Guilt is funny emotion...it crops up at the most unexpected of times and leaves at its own sweet will, much like love...you think you have insulated yourself well because you know who you are and you know what you are doing...but if we did, why would things still surprise us? Why would our actions (which we had thought to be have been taken with sometimes rational, sometimes obligatory and sometimes whimsical beliefs) leave this extra residual called guilt too?

Someone I know is going through something similar...of all the conflicting and varied emotions D is feeling, guilt is probably the most prominent and the most painful...followed very closely by regret...I wish I could tell D that it was not entirely your fault...that life has its own course...that things would have been better, but for the immaturity and insensitivity of others...but that wouldn't help...D's at a place where everything seems so far away...you extend your hand to try and find comfort in others but no one even notices...you scream in the middle of crowded room and no one even hears a whimper...what choice do we have at that but to reach within...and within its all darkness...

Like all of us at some points in our lives, I was there at that point too...these are some of the thoughts that had crossed my mind then...and D, if there is anything I can say that might make things easier for you, it would be this…

"Is it time to let go? Of all the pain and all the love of the past...all the games, the tears, the memories, the dreams...is it time to start from the scratch? Lately, I have been feeling an acute sense of un-belongingness...is it time to stop un-belonging and just be? Just start from point zero? Talking to someone yesterday left me with a strange feeling...a feeling of being let down maybe? I don’t know...all I could feel was that maybe its time to be free and set everyone free as well...and after many many days there was this strange calm that I felt...not a very happy one but calm nonetheless...its an inevitable resignation in front of hopelessness of the situation...I guess its time to love myself now...make myself to be someone I have always wanted to be..."

This line of thought also reminds me of this quote from “The Hours” (one of my favourite movies) - "It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? "

And though it might sound like an attempt at rationalization, my guess is that that feeling is more difficult to live with...

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Lost In Translation

Strangers in a strange land...always a good theme, sometimes a good movie...but rarely a great one! The thing with great movies is that either one totally loves it or one totally hates it... 15 mins into this movie, you know whether you like it or you don't...

The pace of this movie is kind of slow... but that also is the beauty of it... its the experience, the environment created by what is going on that makes the impact... its all about how sometimes, just sometimes the turbulence going on inside you is matched by what is happening around you... both the main characters, Bob (Bill Murray) and Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson), are going through some sort of a dilemma, a conflict which on the face of it can seem just like a mid life crisis or a marriage not going too great... but they both realize or come to realize that its more than that... its about finding peace with yourself and no matter at what stage in life one is, if one doesn't have the kind of security which comes with knowing what one want it can lead to many a sleepless nights...

Both Bob and Charlotte suffer from severe jet lag from the moment they land in Tokyo and can't get any sleep... its not just physical... I guess, when you are so far away from your home and friends where the daily routine and a sort of social (mis) interaction can make you block the agitation you feel go away, the absence of that can't make you run away from your thoughts... and this is what makes these two people drift towards each other... its easier to find someone who will listen to you, but very hard to find some one who will know and understand you more by what you don't say rather than what you do...

To me, Charlotte's character was definitely the more interesting one... she talks less, thinks more, the calm on the face hiding the disappointments and the cracking dreams perfectly... she's lovely... Scarlett Johansson couldn't have done a better job...she's perfect and very believable...the scene in which she discovers that Bob has slept with some one else and when they sit in the restaurant after that, she says so much with just her eyes, her face...this incidentally is one of the best scenes in the movie according to me... how she feels cheated and hurt even though they are not involved and not even in love... I think its about how he has broken the unsaid pact, the commonality between them of not fitting in, of them being able to connect because of being drifters... and then he goes ahead and does something which any one else would have done...

Not to take anything away from Bill Murray! It is said that he is one of the few very under rated actors and somewhere got typecast into unfunny comical characters... but is he good in this movie! He's troubled, sad, happy and yes, amazingly funny!

The movie has been criticized for being racist and for giving a very stereotypical view of the Japanese...well, I agree that does come out some times... but then almost all movies have a bias against foreigners... many many Indian movies also... and in this movie I believe the surroundings were a little dramatized just to bring out the contrast between it and the intuitive relationship that the two characters develop...

A very nice movie and if you like it the first time... one to be preserved and seen again and again...oh, and have always wondered what he whispers in her ear when he says goodbye in the end... Take care? Will meet you soon? Some words of wisdom???

"Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater."
- Roman Polanski

One Tree Hill

Some of my favourite quotes from this serial...just love them!

"Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes, a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever."

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up."

"Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some would be lost along the way? When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows. Swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?"

"George Elliott once wrote, 'There is no despair so absolute as that which comes from the first moments of our first great sorrow when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and healed, to have despaired and recovered hope."

"Did you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many people have pictures of you, how many moments of other people's lives we've been in. Were we part of some one's life when their dream came true, or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it."

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid. Confused. Without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us would rather turn around and go back. But once in awhile people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief, and beyond heartache and fear of what lies ahead."

"William Shakespeare wrote, 'Love is not love which alters when it alterations finds, it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempts and is never shaken. Love alters not with time's brief hours and weeks, but bears it out."

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment who will you be? Will you let down your defenses and find solace in someone unexpected? Will you reach out? Will you face your greatest fears bravely or move forward with faith? Or will you succumb to the darkness in your soul?"

"At this moment there are six billion, five-hundred and two million, eight hundred and sixty seven thousand one hundred and twenty people in the world-give or take a few. And sometimes all you need is one. For better or for worse."

"Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “'There is no privacy that cannot be penetrated. No secret can be kept in the civilized world. Society is a masked ball where everyone hides his real character and reveals it by hiding."

"As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone."

Random Thoughts

Of course it is completely debatable whether thoughts actually are ever random...seemingly unconnected observations and occurrences might just be different manifestations of a cluttered mind...or an effort on our part to make sense...here are few of my not-so-random thoughts in the past few months...

"a jungle of myriad thoughts
a search for my soul...
i could live in this maze
i could die out alone
the fear that strangles me
a hope that exhausts...
running around in circles
for that elusive goal"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"the mechanics is baffling,
challenging the faith...
the sources people seek pleasure from,
fake superiority is all they gain...
an enemy, a slave or a misfit,
the milieu everywhere is not the place...
run,escape, fight or scream,
there goes my utopian dream"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"mind wanders, thoughts flutter
words on the tip of tongue,
like morning dew on fresh leaves
evaporate before they fall...
dreams of kaleidoscopic colours,
memories a tint of sepia
traffic of conflicting emotions,
love a pure as hope..."

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The Journey

And Hansel said to Gretel- let us drop these breadcrumbs, so that together we find our way home…because losing our way would be the cruelest of things…losing your way on a journey is unfortunate…but losing your reason for the journey is a fate crueler…they say, once you lose yourself, you have two choices - find the person you used to be or forget that person completely…because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you’ve been…and remember the person you were meant to be...the person you wanted to be…

The Way We Are

Its funny how at some level we are all narcissists...over estimating our importance in other people's lives and underestimating their importance in ours...is it a sign of insecurity or need to be loved or a basic human instinct? Lately I have been thinking a lot about how some things are just so inherent in us just by the virtue (or vice!) of being humans...greed, survival instinct, territoriality and of course, the omnipresent sex...nothing wrong with it but isn't the effort to deny all this a failure on our part? I see it all around me...denial and escapism have become a way of life for almost all of us...how difficult it is to meet a soul that is at peace? Someone who has embraced life in the simplest of forms... am I being a prude? Maybe...but I now know that life is about embracing, not rejecting...rebelliousness is a reaction not a desire...complexity has a charm, enigmatic is always more attractive...but nothing I guess can compete with pure simplicity...it beats anything hands down...maybe because its the most difficult to achieve...maybe because it is unusual and rare...

Hope

I know that I am die hard hopeful...to the point of being foolish and stupid at times...but that's ok...who knows, maybe that's the only thing that keeps me going?

I hope P still likes me...
I hope I save a decent amount today...
I hope tomorrow is better than today...
I hope food always tastes as good...
I hope my mom becomes happier...
I hope I become famous...
I hope to wander...
I hope the next message is A's...
I hope people leave me alone...
I hope not to judge others and vice versa...
I hope to laugh till my stomach aches and cry till I scream myself hoarse...
I hope to know everything about everything...
I hope the answer to everything is actually 42...
I hope to write more and more...
I hope to fall madly recklessly in love even though I am too old for it now and maybe its all in my head...
I hope I am actually as beautiful as they say I am...
I hope to fly...

Day 1

The night sets softly
With the hush of falling leaves,
Casting shivering shadows
On the houses through the trees,
And the light from a street lamp
Paints a pattern on my wall,
Like the pieces of a puzzle
Or a child's uneven scrawl.

Up a narrow flight of stairs
In a narrow little room,
As I lie upon my bed
In the early evening gloom.
Impaled on my wall
My eyes can dimly see
The pattern of my life
And the puzzle that is me.

From the moment of my birth
To the instant of my death,
There are patterns I must follow
Just as I must breathe each breath.
Like a rat in a maze
The path before me lies,
And the pattern never alters
Until the rat dies.

And the pattern still remains
On the wall where darkness fell,
And it's fitting that it should,
For in darkness I must dwell.
Like the color of my skin,
Or the day that I grow old,
My life is made of patterns
That can scarcely be controlled.

- Patterns, Simon and Garfunkel