RIP, Grandma
Some musings over the past few days (over the long relaxing weekend, actually):
Chasing a dream...
The more you chase one dream or one thought, the farther you go away from the happiness and satisfaction of achieving it...basically, everything actually is in the mind...being happy, being sad, taking control of your life, scenarios we build, lies we tell, our beliefs, every damn thing...what I am today was in my mind many years back...only difference is that I was happy then as opposed to now...why are we always living in the past or in the future? Is that normal? But then, is there any alternative? Somehow I have never understood the concept of 'living in the moment'...I mean, its sounds very good and romantic and all that...but really, how does it work? If I were to live in this very moment, what am I supposed to do? I think I can make a fair assumption that every moment or even life as such, is just a series of thoughts and emotions...so what am I supposed to think at this moment that is totally in the present?? After a point, I will just run out of thoughts to think... and you know, biologically speaking, we can't not think either...so just to occupy my brain, I need to borrow thoughts from the past or build some thoughts about the future, right? I guess what I am trying to say is this that unlike Billy Pilgrim, we are stuck in time...even worse, we are either the victim of our past or slave of our future...
Life and afterlife...
My grandmother's shraadh left me with a very bitter feeling this weekend...I don't understand why we do ceremonies that end up just being mere formalities...the already customized-to-the-new-age (read short) puja was constantly interrupted with phone calls being answered, adjusting the caterer and family jokes...I couldn't see one face in the entire group that was actually praying for the peace of grandma's soul...every one's mind was pre-occupied with their own lives...nothing wrong with it, but then why this whole sham? Is this going to give any living being peace, forget the dead? It was just another occasion where the extended family and friends come, talk about how well or how bad their kids are doing, how good the food is, how lovely the saree is...I just felt so suffocated and helpless...I just offered my prayers to her God, hoped that her soul rest in peace and left the puja...when my grandma was alive and struggling with cancer, I used to hope that she die...maybe that was the only way out from the miserable and oppressed life she had...now I hope that there is no soul and no afterlife either, for she would still be hurting...
It's all about the money...
Money can be the source of the greatest pleasures and also the greatest miseries...you find a ten rupee note on the road and that makes your day...but if you have to pay four rupees extra to the autowalah, it pinches...there are only two kinds of people in this world...those who chase it till their last breath and those who shun it and see it as a symbol of human depravity...as always, maybe the truth lies somewhere in between...my parents somehow have always belonged to the second school of thought...they haven't shunned money...but anything more than their expected middle class income has always made them uncomfortable...money, for them means shallowness and spending too much is almost a sin...there are times when they are taken undue advantage of but they just can't fight over money....because money is synonymous with pettiness...they'd rather pay extra than argue and create an ugly scene...they'd rather spend more on others, than be 'under debt' from richer relatives...it hurts me a lot sometimes, being used...but then dad tells me, its just money and everything is alright...I guess my attitude towards money is much influenced by them, how couldn't it?! I believe that money to some extent brings a certain amount insensitivity with it, mostly unintentional...I was told by someone once that I have no enthusiasm for anything, based on the fact that unlike her, I was not attending dance classes, or was not ready to go shopping anytime anywhere...it was easily overlooked that she had a car and no shortage of cash...I am not disputing the fact that I am not enthusiastic but isn't the difference in available resources in our cases a huge factor? Isn't it unfair that I am being judged in such a manner? I believe that money elevates you to levels from where a certain amount of distance seems small, but for the person who has to walk it on the ground, it just might not be worth it...
Chasing a dream...
The more you chase one dream or one thought, the farther you go away from the happiness and satisfaction of achieving it...basically, everything actually is in the mind...being happy, being sad, taking control of your life, scenarios we build, lies we tell, our beliefs, every damn thing...what I am today was in my mind many years back...only difference is that I was happy then as opposed to now...why are we always living in the past or in the future? Is that normal? But then, is there any alternative? Somehow I have never understood the concept of 'living in the moment'...I mean, its sounds very good and romantic and all that...but really, how does it work? If I were to live in this very moment, what am I supposed to do? I think I can make a fair assumption that every moment or even life as such, is just a series of thoughts and emotions...so what am I supposed to think at this moment that is totally in the present?? After a point, I will just run out of thoughts to think... and you know, biologically speaking, we can't not think either...so just to occupy my brain, I need to borrow thoughts from the past or build some thoughts about the future, right? I guess what I am trying to say is this that unlike Billy Pilgrim, we are stuck in time...even worse, we are either the victim of our past or slave of our future...
Life and afterlife...
My grandmother's shraadh left me with a very bitter feeling this weekend...I don't understand why we do ceremonies that end up just being mere formalities...the already customized-to-the-new-age (read short) puja was constantly interrupted with phone calls being answered, adjusting the caterer and family jokes...I couldn't see one face in the entire group that was actually praying for the peace of grandma's soul...every one's mind was pre-occupied with their own lives...nothing wrong with it, but then why this whole sham? Is this going to give any living being peace, forget the dead? It was just another occasion where the extended family and friends come, talk about how well or how bad their kids are doing, how good the food is, how lovely the saree is...I just felt so suffocated and helpless...I just offered my prayers to her God, hoped that her soul rest in peace and left the puja...when my grandma was alive and struggling with cancer, I used to hope that she die...maybe that was the only way out from the miserable and oppressed life she had...now I hope that there is no soul and no afterlife either, for she would still be hurting...
It's all about the money...
Money can be the source of the greatest pleasures and also the greatest miseries...you find a ten rupee note on the road and that makes your day...but if you have to pay four rupees extra to the autowalah, it pinches...there are only two kinds of people in this world...those who chase it till their last breath and those who shun it and see it as a symbol of human depravity...as always, maybe the truth lies somewhere in between...my parents somehow have always belonged to the second school of thought...they haven't shunned money...but anything more than their expected middle class income has always made them uncomfortable...money, for them means shallowness and spending too much is almost a sin...there are times when they are taken undue advantage of but they just can't fight over money....because money is synonymous with pettiness...they'd rather pay extra than argue and create an ugly scene...they'd rather spend more on others, than be 'under debt' from richer relatives...it hurts me a lot sometimes, being used...but then dad tells me, its just money and everything is alright...I guess my attitude towards money is much influenced by them, how couldn't it?! I believe that money to some extent brings a certain amount insensitivity with it, mostly unintentional...I was told by someone once that I have no enthusiasm for anything, based on the fact that unlike her, I was not attending dance classes, or was not ready to go shopping anytime anywhere...it was easily overlooked that she had a car and no shortage of cash...I am not disputing the fact that I am not enthusiastic but isn't the difference in available resources in our cases a huge factor? Isn't it unfair that I am being judged in such a manner? I believe that money elevates you to levels from where a certain amount of distance seems small, but for the person who has to walk it on the ground, it just might not be worth it...
Labels:
Mindwork
No comments:
Post a Comment