Transience

On my way to work I often cross paths with an old beggar...he has a fixed signal where he can be found knocking the windows of various kinds of cars...my old lady (!) too has had that privilege a few times...there is nothing new about such a scenario except that this man is a bit unusual...

The first time I noticed him was when I stopped at the signal a few months back and was rather surprised to see a bearded, frail old man sitting on the footpath reading "The Asian Age"...a few days later it was another English daily...and since then it has come to be quite the norm...

Then one day he came and knocked my window...as is our conditioning and the ideals that we have come to nurture with regards to the "business" of begging, I ignored him and asked him to move on...but I saw him looking at a sticker on my windshield...and he asked me "kya aap is club ki member hain?"...now its no ordinary club (if I take my dad's word for it!) and the fact that he knew about it and then went on to advice me on its sports facilities was really awkward...he said he was "poor people" and needed some money for his breakfast...I sheepishly took out some coins and gave it to him...and unlike most such occasions when we feel good about doing such deeds, this time I was really uneasy...

I don't know what his story is...or what he feels in his situation...he is clearly educated and still behaves with an air that reflects a prosperous past...and he is clearly alone...did he lose his entire family in some tragic accident? Did his children abandon him in his old age? Did he ever make an investment which went horribly wrong? Maybe I should stop some day and ask him...or maybe I shouldn't...

Guess it's just one of those things that remind you how transient everything really is...

Choice

I came across this piece of land
in a lonesome windy town,
In the vast wilderness of this world
somehow this feels like mine...
I could own this lost kingdom
and nurture it with my soul,
but I don't want anyone to find me
in this hollowed ruined town...
I ask you, my giver, can I mark a place
but really not leave a sign?

We flew like birds
from one crazy place to another,
You found me in this quest
only I lost my way in the middle...
If hello had been so tough
adieu was never going to be a breeze,
But I escaped and you conquered,
letting the moments of joy to freeze..
tell me, my lover, if you were given a choice
whom would you choose to find?

There used to be a life I led
I had a name,a number and sense of time,
It never occurred to me to step outside
this carefully preserved bubble of mine...
but I knew I was trapped
the day I cried foul in a game of one,
Call it sense or madness or even a crime,
but I'd packed by then to search for a town..
Tell me, my soul,if you could choose again
would you lead me to the same fate?

A Life Quite Ordinary!

If we were to go strictly by volume - most of our life seems so inconsequential...just imagine the amount of time we spend in commuting from home to office, waiting for your turn in innumerable queues, paying bills, buying utility items, being confused about which option to choose, fantasizing about unattainable crushes, waiting for a friend in Barista, switching from one inane channel to the next on TV, holding grudges...or to put it in a filmy style - yeh roz marra ki aam zindagi!

What distinguishes an extraordinary life from an ordinary one? Is that strictly a function of the amount of money you have, the number of places you have seen or the variety of 'experiences' you have had? Or is it something more? Is an extraordinary life a cause of brilliance or a consequence of it?

I suppose, I can safely presume that we are all aspirational...Maslow's hierarchy, howsoever trite, is pretty much symbolic of what we are...but one thought that never leaves me is that no matter how many achievements we have, can we escape time gone awry? How many times have you felt like making everything pause for a while, rearrange things and then start afresh? Like a childhood game that's become too chaotic...but things are rushing past so fast that forget rearranging, one doesn't even get a chance to let it all sink in!

In this mad rush how are we supposed to make more and more moments count? Of course, common sense (or maybe conditioning!) tells me that to a large extent the significance of our existence is determined by our attitude...or is it?Are people who are supposedly gutsy and have trodden the path less travelled, necessarily happy? Are people who have achieved their dreams happy? Or are eternal chasers, like me, happy?

Are you happy?

Finally!

It finally rained in Delhi today and boy, it poured!! It resulted in instant upliftment of my mood (predictably), which in turn resulted in me making this (quite unpredictably)!!

Chase

Remember me?

Don't deny it...you know I lurk somewhere under the layers of your consciousness...like a sleeping tiger...in that grey area between known and unknown...between love and hate...give me a look sometime, feel my presence...they say that against fear, acknowledgement is half the battle won...running away is a reaction and not an answer...and really, where will you go? I'll always follow because I know that you'll always have something which is not worth losing...

Don't you know?

Episodes

There is not one particular reason for the lack of posts here this month...have been really busy, my thoughts have been a little muddled, I have new things to say but nothing new to express (yeah, figure that out)...basically, its just been a little hodgepodge! Anyhow, I think I'll attempt a mini-comeback of sorts...updates over the past fortnight:

A new phase is going to begin...and yet again, I promise myself to not let things go out of hand! I am just such a scatterbrain...and experience is not really helping!

For the first time in my life (no kidding!), a friend told me that I am not really mature...I was relieved...

I am slowly realizing that at least when it comes to work, you need to be heartless sometimes...sometimes the wrong people or powerless people have to pay the price for whims and follies of others...its horrible but a 'system' would not have such a bad connotation if not for this...anyhow, I am trying not to let these things affect me...I can only ensure that honest and hard working people do not get victimized because of me...but its a dirty, filthy, lopsided world...ain't it?

My camera has not been working lately...I miss it... :(

The other day I saw a car run over a cat...two tyres went right over the spine of the cat...then it started shaking and jumping like mad...we rushed to it but we all knew it was too late...the cat took one last breath and was gone...30 seconds, that's all it took...but the worst part was that the person driving didn't even stop...he just zoomed away...and most people around me were so unruffled by the whole episode...I am no animal activist...but just wondering to what extent has this apathy and callousness seeped in us?

An old chapter closed...and unlike previous goodbyes, this time I knew he meant it...my life has been such a mess lately but deep down nothing mattered that much...I was upset and angry but there was never a sense of loss...but that day, to my surprise, I could feel something leaving me forever...I had been convinced that all my emotions had died in me...but I suppose somewhere a trace had remained and always will...I wouldn't change anything that has happened...I just hope that both of us can find our own paths and our own happiness...

Anti - Midas Touch

Caveat: It's a sad post and subsequent questions on it will not be entertained...!

Maybe...
... someday i'll look back at this day and try to feel what I felt driving back home today, just for a reality check...

Maybe...
... life is a great leveler and i'll be able to say that with certainty...

Maybe...
... the person who told me that I am losing myself will tell me soon that i've found myself again...

Maybe...
... there is a chance that everything I touch will not turn to dust...

Maybe...
... I won't regret being headstrong in my beliefs and fighting for that undefined cause that I subconsciously struggle against all the time...

Maybe...
... sanity, peace and laughter will find there way back into my life...

Maybe...
... one day i'll be able to say with pride that I am not just another brick in the wall...

Skew

Bitch.

Torn

There are always these situations around you where someone is having difficulty moving on...or when they should just give up at a sensible point and let go...in such situations isn't it always easy being an outsider? I know that there are moments of helplessness but overall, I think its good position to be in...you can be totally 'objective'...give your take on things...recount and quote similar experiences in your life for reference...basically, just be a rather insensitive, rational, willful bitch...and I have done that so many times...in fact, after 'it was so funny', 'just let go' is probably my most used phrase...and it has been used with a somewhat disdainful attitude on most occasions...

But right now, unfortunately, I am an insider...that person who knows that she should give up but is still hell bent on pursuing what is clearly a hopeless dream...and a risky one too...rationality and ego have somehow taken a back seat...my obstinate self is ruling my objective self...I am torn...and the fact that time is running out is only making it worse...everyday is a chance of happiness passing by...

Where do I find the outsider in me?

Games

When I was a little girl, my dad had a book named "games people play" in his library...I always presumed that the book was about sports...you know, like cricket and chess and all that...when I myself started reading a bit, I always ignored that book...who wants to read about sports really!? It was much later that I came to know that the "games" being talked about were very different...and much more complicated...they had the usual ingredients like moves, counter moves, strategies and even results...but it all happened in this obscure world of relationships and interplay...and the magnanimity and significance of these interplays has never hit me harder than now...

There are many people who qualify as friends...people whom you hang out with, go for movies with, party with, share some of your intimate secrets with...there are friends whom you like but never really understand...or worse, friends whom you choose not to understand because of the fear that you might end up disliking them...and there is always this trust and this understanding that neither would do anything to mess up this fragile equation...but it's always a temptation...there is a childlike curiosity to fiddle with that equation a bit and see what happens...and most of us, at some point in our lives, fall prey to that urge...

Somehow the adage that people change with time doesn't make much sense to me anymore...do we change or do we consciously and openly start playing games? There are many things in my life that are not the same any more...and if I think of it, nothing has comes as a big surprise...there is no revelation or clarity...only sadness that in some cases, the equation has been interfered with...no one has changed but the relationships have...